Dads And Daughters With Eating Disorders

 

Introduction

 

I’ve never been concerned with my body image.  At least not that I remember.  I’ve always been athletic (I wanted to say “an athlete,” but I’m not so sure I could justify that claim).

 

After I quit playing football at UCLA, I had a lot of hard earned muscles get pretty flabby, but I don’t remember giving a darn. 

 

Four years as a JAG Officer in the Marine Corps kept me fit after law school.

 

When I got out of the service I drank, smoked, ate whatever I felt like, didn’t exercise much, and flabbed up again.  But I don’t remember giving a darn.

 

Kept up the bad health habits until I started playing some racket ball and couldn’t breathe after about 3 minutes.

 

Truth be told, I hated gasping for air after 3 minutes of playing racket ball with an older guy who was crippled with arthritis and could barely walk or stand up straight.  But worse, I hated that he regularly beat the you know what out of me.

 

That’s when I quit drinking and smoking and overeating junk food and started paying attention to my health.    

 

Without much concern, if any, for what the Mirror said.  I don’t remember giving a darn. 

 

I have a hunch that many, if not the vast majority of you other dads out there have a similar story.  Maybe you still want be an athlete, maybe you’re still gasping for breath, but I bet you don’t really give a darn what the Mirror says.  The more vain of you, maybe.  For the vast majority, perhaps to some extent, sure, but not really.  Not obsessively.

 

I think we dads have a pretty good capacity to either accept that we are what we are or happily kid ourselves about it.

 

We have an uncanny knack to accept our bodies and the various pleasures they allow us to enjoy the way they are.

 

Right?

 

So how and why do so many of our poor, beautiful daughters get so hung up on their body image?   How do they come to be convinced that a “better body” (whatever that means) somehow equates to a better life?

 

And, worse, how are we ill equipped, ignorant, and insensitive dads supposed to understand this phenomenon and deal with it?  It doesn’t compute very well for us.  It’s really hard for us to “get” this.

 

But I’m here to tell you dads to wake up to this.  Get it or not, it is a major issue that can have a huge impact on your daughter(s) (and son(s), by the way) developing and suffering from an Eating Disorder.

 

So today let’s look at Body Image and your daughter’s Mirror from her point of view and see if we can make some sense of it.  Next post we’ll see if there are ways we can be helpful.  Or at least effectively supportive if we can’t actually be helpful. 

 

Direct, Proportional Link

 

Based on my experience, research, and what I can glean from talking to quite a few ED sufferers, the first thing you dads need to realize is that your daughter’s body image and her self esteem are linked.  Directly. Proportionately.

 

If she has a strong, positive body image (believes that she looks “good” – whatever that means to her), then she is likely to have a strong, positive self esteem.

 

If she thinks she looks “bad” (however she defines that - too fat, too thin, too big of ears, too flat of chest, an ugly nose – you name it), she is likely to have a negative self esteem.

 

And the worse she thinks she looks, the lower her self esteem.

 

I advice you to not try to actually understand this from a logical, rational, provable point of view.  You’ll go nuts trying.  Because it’s not logical, rational, or provable. 

 

Just accept it.  And, more importantly, be aware of it as it applies to your daughter and be sensitive to it.  I tell you this in the hope you may avoid mistakes I made.  This never, ever, ever occurred to me when my daughters were growing up.  I only came to hear and learn about this when I was desperately hoping my daughter would be alive long enough to have a chance to recover from her Eating Disorder.

 

The earlier you tune into this, the better.

 

Distorted Perception

 

Next thing to be alert to is that our daughters, especially as they become more susceptible to possible Eating Disorder behaviors and/or become more influenced by Eating Disorders (and there seems to be a complex chicken and egg thing going on here) begin to have what I believe I’ve seen described somewhere as a “distorted perception” of their body image. 

 

I can tell you from my own experience with my daughter that as her Eating Disorder took over her life more and more, slowly and hardly noticeably at first, she definitely became more and more detached from reality.  I think this detachment from reality is one of the primary reason that she and other ED sufferers tend to lie…a lot.  Often they have no idea they are lying (is it a lie if you really believe it’s the truth?). 

 

As ED takes a more firm hold on her life, your daughter’s distorted perception gradually becomes more distorted and the worse and worse she may believe she looks. 

 

Listen up here.  It does not make a bit of difference if 10,000 people a day tell her she looks great and is beautiful and perfect in every way.  She’ll just believe they’re lying to her. 

 

The only thing that really matters to her is HER PERCEPTION of what she looks like.  And as she perceives she looks worse and worse, her self esteem, directly and proportionately, goes right down the dumper, too.

 

So please get in tune, if you can, and be sensitive to HER PERCEPTION of her body image today.  Right now.

 

And here’s a big kicker.  She is also going to be strongly influenced by HER PERCEPTION of what her body SHOULD BE.  Not just what it is, but also what it should be.

 

That’s really scary.  What should it be?  What you think her body should be like and what she thinks it should be can be galaxies apart.  This is where you hear about the influence of all the impossibly skinny and unhealthy models all over TV and the tabloids.

 

Here’s an example of this concept of distorted reality and body image. 

 

After my daughter had been undergoing intensive in-patient treatment at Remuda Ranch for about 6 weeks, her Dietician had her draw a life sized silhouette of herself – what she thought she looked like by then.  Then the Dietician had her stand up against her “self image” and the Dietician traced my daughter’s real silhouette on it. 

 

The real thing was about ½ the size of my daughter’s perception of herself.  Said another way, my daughter believed that she was twice as big as reality.

 

(Apparently this is a common technique, although it was the first time my daughter had experienced it and the first I’d heard of it.  My daughter said she was shocked and it was a big eye opener for her.)

 

My point here is that if you notice your daughter inexplicably losing weight and/or exhibiting other signs or behaviors that might lead you to believe she may be developing an eating disorder and you want to discuss it with her, it’s not going to be easy.  There are traps and pitfalls here. 

 

What you see is probably not even be close to what she sees.  So if you just say you look great the way you are, she’s likely to:  1) think you’re lying to her and therefore lose trust, confidence, and respect for you and your advice/opinions, or, 2)  believe that if you think she’s looks good now, just wait ‘till she losses even more weight!

 

Anorexics and Bulimics Have Different Perceptions

 

I’m going to say this in my unprofessional, dad observation, extremely simplistic, and one-dimensional way in the hope that other dads can grasp the big concepts without getting diverted by too many complexities and nuances.  I do, however, welcome comments to this blog from professionals and ED sufferers to correct me if I’m wrong, but here goes.

 

As I understand it, people suffering from Anorexia don’t necessarily see themselves as being fat or too fat.  It’s more a matter of seeing themselves as not thin enough.

 

One day when I got to visit with my daughter during her treatment program at Remuda Ranch, she introduced me to another young woman I’ll call Betsy (not her real name, of course).  We chatted for a time and when Betsy left, my daughter said to me, “Do you think she’s skinnier than me?”

 

“It’s impossible to compare,” I said.  “First, you both have on so many clothes I couldn’t tell if I wanted to.  Second, she’s about 5 feet tall you can see her whole structure is really small to start with.  You’re about 5 feet 6 and you’re just built entirely differently.  Apples and oranges.  Why do you care, anyway?”

 

“Because Betsy said I’m thinner than her and it upset her.  She says she wants to be the thinnest one here.  I already think she is…by a long shot.  Just wondered what you thought.”

 

I was blown away.

 

“Wait,” I said.  “She’s in treatment for her Eating Disorder, doesn’t think she’s already thin enough, and her goal is to be the thinnest one here?  At treatment?”

 

“Yep.”

 

See why this is hard for us dads to grasp?

 

Those suffering with Bulimia, on the other hand, seem to not strive to be the thinnest, but I sense they want to see themselves as thin enough so they can eat whatever and whenever they want and not have to worry about their weight exploding out of control.

 

Unfortunately, it seems that their ED does not allow them to actually control that “eat anything they want whenever they want” part very well, hence binging, and then purging on a regular basis.

 

One of the women I met during Family Week at Remuda was in her mid 30’s, married, had 2 kids, and before entering the program had vomited up at least one meal (often more) every day for over 20 years.  She’d been married to her husband for 12 years.  Twelve years with her husband…vomiting daily…and he had no idea. 

 

Dads, think about that.  Think about how secretive and deceptive she had to have been to keep up a daily vomiting ritual and keep it completely secret from her husband for over a decade.  By the way, she is the sweetest, kindest person you’d ever want to meet.  You have to understand it is the disorder that causes the deception, not a desire to be deceptive or a character or moral flaw.

 

This is not an uncommon story.  The husband never knew until she finally told him that she wanted treatment.  And, from what she said, he did not take it well at all.

 

What a horrific burden she must have been carrying around all by herself since she was a teenager.

 

So dads, imagine how difficult it might be for you to discuss these things with your daughter. 

 

Hopefully you see the kind of land mines you may have to traverse if you want to talk to your daughter about body image – and hence, self esteem.  Do not forget that body image and self esteem are directly and proportionately linked, so when you start talking about one, you’re talking about the other, too.

 

Next Time

 

Please, dads, think about what your daughter’s Mirror on the Wall is saying to her.  It is likely to be a far different Mirror than the one you’re looking at.  A far different voice than what you hear.  Far different, in fact, from anything that you might have imagined. 

 

But if you truly want to help your daughter avoid or battle her particular Mirror, you have to see it through her eyes and hear what it is saying through her ears.  Nothing else will do.

 

I’m feeling like that’s a lot to contemplate.  Enough for now.  Please think about these things.  They’re important.

 

Next time, dads, in “Mirror, Mirror On The Wall – Part II,” I plan to address some specific and constructive ways that I believe will help you talk about these things with your daughters.  And, better yet, I’ll show you some simple things you can do and communication tips you can use early on to help you help prevent your daughters’ body image from ever becoming an issue in the first place.

 

Wouldn’t that be sweet?

 

Until then…

 

Introduction

 

My 26 year old daughter just came home 5 days ago after 3½ months of intensive in-patient treatment at Remuda Ranch and Remuda Life. 

 

Just before Christmas her MD told me she would die – not “might” die, “would” die – if she did not get into intensive treatment immediately.

 

I did a lot of research on treatment programs and facilities.  She selected Remuda Ranch.  I don’t think she could have made a better choice. 

 

That whole process – finding and evaluating treatment programs and facilities and then figuring out how to pay for them and sorting through the insurance morass is a blog in itself.  I’ll address that soon.

 

So for 3½ months my daughter has been, as she often said, “watched like a hawk,” tube fed, counseled, schooled, and otherwise often not allowed to do much but sit on the couch, read, journal, and make bead bracelets and necklaces.  Oh, and color in coloring books.  Fine bit of good that Masters in Education was doing her. 

 

She was weighed, blood pressured, counseled, poked, prodded, forced to eat every morsel on her plate at every meal like it or not, and often likened herself a prisoner. 

 

Her fellow inmates all suffered from Eating Disorders, too, so the support group was, if not always kind and friendly, at least all in the same boat.  They certainly had an understanding and could relate to each other’s struggles, feelings, and emotions.

 

All of the treatment she received from the doctors, therapists, dieticians, and everyone else at Remuda was top notch and was administered and given in love and with her health and best interests at heart.

 

She didn’t always see it exactly that way.  She often had that prisoner mentality. 

 

Fast forward to 5 days ago and, voila, she’s released.  Out of jail.  No hawks watching.  No tubes down her nose.  No blood pressure cuff first thing in the morning.  No one to see if she eats all of her burnt grilled cheese sandwich or not or drinks every last drop of her Ensure.

 

She’s finally coming home and as her dad, I’m torn.

 

Grateful that she’s coming home.  Grateful that she’s healthier.  Grateful that she got terrific treatment. 

 

But anxious, too.  How will she manage without the hawks, tubes, and constant monitoring? 

 

I felt pretty secure when she was in in-patient treatment.  After all, even if she “slipped” there was a whole team of dedicated and caring professionals to help her get up and move on.  And a large support group of other women who had shared experiences with her.

 

Now, at home, god knows I am ill equipped to deal with her Eating Disorder.  I’m smart enough, have researched enough, and was well trained enough at Remuda’s Family Week to know that my job is NOT to deal with her Eating Disorder. 

 

But what if she has a slip?

 

What am I REALLY – you know, like in the real world – supposed to do?

 

So, if you think about it, it’s easier for me when she’s in treatment. 

 

Wouldn’t it be great if she could come out of treatment cured?  All better?  Well?  Perfectly Healthy?  Stable?  Secure?  Self Confident? 

 

Ah, if only it were that easy.

 

Guess what dads.  She gets out and comes home with her frickin’ Eating Disorder.

 

She’s way, way better.  They force fed her and actually had to re-teach her how to eat, what to eat, and how much to eat.  So she’s healthier for sure.  Clearly not about to die right now. 

 

So that’s good.

 

But you have to realize that treatment, whether private or institutional in-patient treatment, doesn’t result in a cure.  This isn’t like going into the hospital with appendicitis, having an operation, and you come out perfectly healthy.  Heck, I went to the hospital one day thinking I was going to get an antibiotic for a lung infection, had a pacemaker installed in my chest the next morning to get around a malfunction in my heart’s electrical system, and drove my motorcycle home the morning after that.  That, my friends, is really fixing the problem.

 

It doesn’t work like that with Eating Disorders. 

 

ED sufferers, unfortunately, go into treatment with their Eating Disorders and come out with their Eating Disorders. 

 

But stronger and healthier.  With tools and skills to help them through difficult situations.  With weapons to fight ED.  And with more insight about what led them down the dark road of self sabotage and self destruction in the first place.

 

In other words, the treatment is not the end of the Eating Disorder, it is only the beginning of learning how to deal with it, manage it, and, with luck and the grace of god, overcome it.

 

Fear

 

So when my daughter came home 5 days ago, along with joy and gratitude, I felt fear.  Fear that she’d slip back into her old ways.  Fear that I wouldn’t know how to handle it.  Fear that ED, who had been repressed to some extent while she was in treatment, would re-gain the upper hand in her head.

 

Fear that her friends, though well meaning, would prove to be a negative influence.

 

Fear that her co-addiction might tempt to make poor choices and start the cycle over again.

 

Five days ago after I drove her home to Newport Beach, CA from Chandler, AZ, after visiting with her sister, nephews, and mom, the next thing she did was “go out” with her friends.  I believe (and I’m only just a dad, so I could be wrong) that “go out” is code for do some bar hopping. 

 

In my caring dad’s view, this is not the ideal first night home from “prison” and I feel fearful that she’s putting herself in the path of unnecessary temptation.

 

But she’s 26 so there’s not a thing I can do about it.

 

Except feel fear. 

 

I talked to her the next day around noon.

 

“How did everything go with your friends?” I asked.

 

“Great.  They were so supportive of me.  And, of course, I got a lot of compliments on how good and healthy I look.  It made me feel really good.  They were so supportive and it was so good to see them and do something fun.”

 

“While you were out did you face any situations or temptations or urges that you had to really fight against or that made you feel uncomfortable or anxious?” I asked – a bit fearful of the answer.

 

“No.  Not at all.  It was just so great to be out and doing something really fun and seeing my friends.”

 

Whew!

 

Frustration

 

That day (the 2^nd day home) she went apartment hunting.  She called later on to tell me about the various apartments she’d seen and to ask some advice.  I gave her my opinions and advice freely.  That’s what we dads are really pretty good at, huh?  Not that it’s always good advice, but we’re happy to dish it out anyway.  And, it’s really exciting when we’re actually asked for it.  That’s a rarity.

 

Next day (the 3^rd day home) we missed each other’s calls in the morning.  I called again around noon, but didn’t hear back.  I called around 3 or 4 but didn’t hear back.  I called around 8 but didn’t hear back.

 

I felt very frustrated. 

 

While she was in treatment, I talked to my daughter at least once every day – often several times a day.  I’d kinda gotten used to it. 

 

And now here she is at home, “free,” and she can’t pick up the phone and give me a ringy-ding?

 

Had I not felt fear in the first place, I assume I wouldn’t have felt so much frustration about not talking to her all day.  But I did.

 

By the way, I wasn’t trying to monitor her or harass her or bug her or anything.  But, I remember when her doctor said she was close to death, so I just wanted her to call and say I’m OK, Dad.  Or, I need your help, Dad.  Either way would be fine.  Anything, actually.  The silence and not knowing was what led to my frustration and that lead to more fear.

 

The fear-frustration-fear-frustration cycle feeds on itself, leading to…

 

Fantasy

 

I think when we experience the combination of fear for the well being of a loved one combined with the frustration of not knowing what to do, if there is anything we can or should do, or even if they need or want our help, leads to fantasy. 

 

And not in a good way.

 

I can’t begin to tell you how many different fantasies I dreamed up that day and night about all the horrific things that may have happened to my daughter both of her own making and as a completely innocent bystander. 

 

I’m calling them Fantasies of Doom.

 

This is the hardest thing for a parent – well, at least for a dad – well, at least for me.  Not knowing.  The not knowing leads to the fear to the frustration and they feed on each other in a circle of ever increasing momentum ‘till the Fantasies of Doom just take over.

 

And there’s nothing you can do.

 

Just hold on. 

 

Next morning she called.  Had a great weekend, Dad.  Sorry about not calling back.  Busy and at brunch with a friend, then watching the basketball game with a group of people, then out and didn’t hear the phone.

 

She was so excited and had THE BEST WEEKEND in years, and felt more self confidence and better about herself than she can even remember, and….ta da….picked an apartment and put down a deposit.

 

So there you go, dad.  Nothing to worry about. 

 

She managed all on her own, just fine.  Without me interfering or having anything to do or worry about.

 

And even if she would have had some difficulties, there isn’t anything I could have done anyway.

 

Bottom Line

 

The most difficult thing for us dads to do when our daughters are suffering from Eating Disorders is to let go and not try to fix it. 

 

Not to say we turn our beautiful daughters out on the streets, shoo them away, and abandon them. 

 

The contrary. 

 

Actually we hold them closer.  Closer than ever before.  But we don’t do it with physical constraints, rules, yelling, threatening.  Even when they’re younger.

 

No sir. 

 

We hold them closer with love, understanding, compassion, LISTENING TO THEM, learning to connect and identify with their emotions and feelings.  Learning to communicate openly and honestly and without judgment. 

 

We tie them closer to us with our encouragement, positive reinforcement, and unconditional love. 

 

I’m not sure I really knew what that meant – unconditional love – until my daughter and our family starting living through this Eating Disorder Test that we’re in.    

 

It’s not easy.  It’s not over for us.  She’s not cured.

 

But she’s better.  Stronger.  Well equipped to deal with it.  Armed to overcome it.  Ready for the battles to come.  Excited for the opportunity to prove she can do it.

 

And me?  Well, this week I’m working on letting go of the Fear, Frustration, and Fantasies of Doom. 

 

I know she can do what she needs to do. 

 

My job, with love, support, and encouragement, is to trust her and let her do it. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Introduction

 

From my limited experience with my own daughter and family and from what I’ve been learning about Eating Disorders recently, shame and guilt are major factors.

 

They are factors for both the sufferer and his or her family members and friends.

 

So dads, this is to help you look at your shame and guilt and that of your daughter.  This applies to all of life, by the way, so even if you don’t yet have a daughter with an Eating Disorder, this information may help you in your prevention efforts.

 

The Difference Between Shame & Guilt

 

Shame is personal.  It is a negative feeling or belief we have about ourselves.

 

Guilt is more impersonal.  It is a feeling or belief we have about our behaviors.

 

Shame = about ourselves.

 

Guilt = about our behaviors.

 

This is not just a semantic subtlety.  This is a very important distinction about how you feel about yourself, how your daughter feels about herself, and how you, as the dad, interact with your daughter.

 

Let me say this very clearly to start.  You, dad, have no business feeling either guilt or shame about your daughter’s Eating Disorder.  Sometimes we dads think we’re omnipotent, but I hate to break the news to you….we’re not.

 

When I first began to take my daughter’s Anorexia seriously (that was the day her doctor told me she was on the verge of death – heart failure at any moment) I immediately began wondering what I had done or could have done differently to have prevented my beautiful daughter from having to face the anguish.  (That’s guilt thinking).

 

In addition to that, I never once mentioned her Eating Disorder to anyone on earth including my own father for the 4 years or so that I knew she had it and was seeing private therapists and dieticians.  Not once to anyone.  (That is shame thinking – like maybe there is something wrong with me and/or that I should be ashamed of her ED for some reason that, for the life of me now, I can’t figure out what that was.)

 

Dads, trust me when I say we don’t have the power to make our Daughters’ get Eating Disorders. 

 

Are we perfect parents?  Hell no.  None of us are that.  We make mistakes.  All of us could do our dadding (I like that word instead of “parenting”) better.  We may have done things or reacted in ways that contributed in some minor ways or in some major ways to our daughters developing an ED.  (And for you dads whose daughters don’t have an Eating Disorder, all this applies to you, too, in your efforts to help your daughters avoid or prevent suffering from an ED.)

 

But even if we made a bunch of major dadding mistakes as our kids were growing up, they were only part of a multitude of complex and complicated factors that led her down her ED road or that could lead her down that road.

 

And, for you daughters who I hope are reading this, I’ve heard many of you talk about feeling bad (translate “guilty”) about causing your dads or your families or your loved ones so much anguish and pain because of your ED.  If that’s you, get over it.  The last thing we dads want is to burden you with guilt or shame because you developed a disease that you never wanted and would probably do just about anything to get rid of. 

 

We don’t blame you any more than you should blame us.

 

I don’t want to dwell on the myriad of causes of EDs in this post, so, for now, let’s just say that the factors leading to EDs are extremely complicated.    

 

That said, let’s look at how shame and guilt influence our relationships with each other.

 

Shame

 

Shame is an internal feeling that you are flawed or that something is wrong with you.  As a person. 

 

Oh, and how it can sneak up on you, can’t it? 

 

One after another seemingly insignificant events pile up on you and weigh you down.

 

You get a bad grade on one math test in 2^nd grade.  You think to yourself, “Everyone else did well on that test…I feel kinda stupid.”

 

Next math test you do OK, but not up to your expectations because you were trying so hard to do better.  You tell yourself, “Gee, I believe I’m kinda stupid.”

 

Now you’re really going to do the best you can on the next one, but your grade is still off the mark.  And now you’re saying to yourself, “I am stupid.”

 

You’ve evolved from felling kinda stupid to actually being a stupid person in 3 math tests.

 

And, for you, being stupid is painful.  You actually know, with all your heart, that there is something wrong with you. 

 

That’s where shame comes from.  It’s feeling, then believing, then knowing that you are  defective or broken…that there is something wrong with YOU.

 

It seems like once it starts, it spreads inside you like a disease.  

 

Pretty soon it’s not just about math.  It’s broader.  Maybe undefined, and maybe well masked, but it lurks inside you.

 

Fast forward to high school.  Your boyfriend cheats on you.  You find out.  You’re really upset, angry, shocked, hurt, devastated, broken hearted.   

 

How do you react?  “It must be my fault.  I wonder what’s wrong with me.  I’m too ________________. 

 

You can fill in your own blank – fat, ugly, skinny, nice, naïve, flirty, poor, rich, stupid, smart, aggressive, shy.  But even worse, weak, disgusting, non-deserving.  Whatever you are insecure and shameful about will do to fill in that blank.  And it will add to your shame.  The feeling that there is something wrong with YOU.

 

See how this works, dads?  Whether we recognize it or not or are willing to admit it or not, we’ve been there ourselves to some degree.  Luckily, hopefully, we’ve been able to work ourselves out of it.

 

But for many of our daughters, it is a vicious cycle that feeds on itself, becomes a part of their lives, and leads to more and more negative self image and self talk.  Our daughters fall into the trap of anticipating bad things because they actually believe they do not deserve good things - kindness, love, peace, happiness, and health. 

 

A high level of shame, even when (or maybe especially when) deeply ingrained and well masked, makes your daughter want to hide or be hidden from the world.  She’s carrying around a great deal of pain and will do things to divert her attention from that pain.  Things that we may think of, logically, as quite bizarre.

 

But when she’s suffering from a lot of internal pain, even when wearing a happy face for your benefit, she’s looking for ways to block out the suffering and block out the feelings and emotions.  And, desperately, to get control over something in her life.

 

I hope you know that her desire to block hurt and despair and get control of something can lead straight to a monumental Eating Disorder.    

 

Guilt

 

Unlike shame, guilt is about behaviors and actions or non-actions. 

 

You are supposed to be home by your midnight curfew but don’t show up ‘till 12:30.  You get in trouble with your dad by violating the curfew. 

 

You steal a cold drink from the grocery store.  You cheat off of the test of the person sitting next to you in class.  You lie to your dad about who you were hanging out with at the mall because you know he wouldn’t approve of who you were really with.   

 

In these circumstances, you say to yourself, “I broke a rule” or “I broke the law” or even “I violated a trust and I feel guilty about doing it.”

 

Knowing that you have done something that is against a rule (written or unwritten) doesn’t make you feel like you’re defective…only that you’ve violated the rule. 

 

And, the great thing about guilt compared to shame is that it can be erased fairly easily. 

 

You make amends.  You apologize to the violated person.  You make financial restitution.  You go to jail and serve your time and get a fresh start.  You go to confession and god forgives you.  You apologize to your dad and swear you’ll never miss your curfew again and, voila, all is forgiven.  At least until next time.

 

So guilt is way simpler to deal with that shame.

 

How To Use This Knowledge

 

Dads, here’s the bottom line. 

 

Of course when your daughter is young you have to make and enforce rules for a whole slew of perfectly good reasons.  You have to discipline her at times.  It’s part of the dad job.

 

As your daughter gets older, you have to advice her and help and support her in her life and in her life decisions.

 

The question is whether you are going to do it from a Shame Perspective or from a Guilt Perspective.

 

For example, let’s say your high school age daughter misses her curfew and comes home late.

 

The Shame Perspective would be to say something like, “I knew I couldn’t trust you.  You’re irresponsible.  You said you’d be home on time.  You were not home on time, so you’re also an untrustworthy liar.  It’s no wonder you don’t have any friends.  No one likes a liar they can’t trust. You’re grounded for 2 weeks.”

 

The Guilt Perspective would be to say something like, “You know you’re late for your curfew, right?  And you know there are consequences for your actions, right?  I told you if you broke curfew you’d be grounded for 2 weeks.  So your actions leave me no choice.  I love you, but I need you to be responsible for your behaviors.  I have to ground you for 2 weeks.”

 

Exact same result.  Grounded for 2 weeks. 

 

But the first, Shame Perspective, was all about the daughter as a defective person.  An irresponsible and lying person.  Pushing shame on her and making her feel shame.  And punishing her for being the person she is.

 

The second, Guilt Perspective, was all about the daughter’s behavior – not about her as a person.  Behaviors have consequences and the sooner we can teach that lesson to our daughters, the better off they will be and the stronger our relationships with them can be.

 

Let’s say, as another example, that your daughter is an adult and maybe even suffering from or recovering from an Eating Disorder.

 

She is supposed to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks a day.

 

She calls you and admits that she skipped 1 meal and 2 snacks the day before yesterday.

 

The Shame Perspective might say something like, “I knew you couldn’t do it.  You really have to put more effort into your recovery or you’ll never get any better.  You’re irresponsible, so how do you expect other people to get behind you and support you? You’ll never get better if you we can’t trust you to at least eat what you’re supposed to.”

 

If you had a Guilt Perspective you’d be more likely to say, “Oh, shoot, I’m sorry to hear that.  I know it’s really hard for you to keep up on all your meals and snacks, but I think you know better than anyone what the consequences will be if you don’t.  You said that was day before yesterday.  How did you do yesterday?  Better, I hope.  As hard as it is for you, I feel sad and disappointed when you don’t stick with your meal plan because I really want to see you healthy and happy again.  So I need you to stick with it as best you can everyday, OK?  I don’t want to see you back in a treatment program or, worse yet, a hospital.  So please keep doing everything you can and make sure to tell me if there is anything I can do to help you.”

 

(I hope you notice the “I Fee…When…Because…I Need” communication tool in there.  If not, check it out again.)

 

I won’t belabor this.  I hope you can see the difference for both the teenager and the adult. 

 

As I said, this is not a matter of semantics.  This is real life and being aware of the differences between shame and guilt could be the critical factor in your dadding effectiveness for both ED prevention and treatment/recovery.  

 

Many dads (and parents and other family members as well as friends, bosses, and others) seem to feel they gain the upper hand or some form of power if they are constantly in Shame Perspective – raining down shame on others as much as possible.  I suspect (have no idea if this is true, it’s just my gut) that they probably came from a Shame Perspective Environment and learned it at an early age.  And that they carry around much shame themselves.

 

If you dads can learn to deal with your daughters’ BEHAVIORS when you need to discipline or advise them, you will be way, way, way ahead of the game in both Eating Disorder prevention and in helping your daughters in their recovery efforts.

 

A Girl Named Sue

 

A few days ago I heard about a 9 year old, Sue, who, in my unprofessional opinion, is an Eating Disorder waiting to happen.  Maybe she falls into the category I recently learned about called “Early Onset Eating Disorder” (EOED).

 

Unfortunately, from what I heard, her parents seem to be either ignorant of the danger or in denial about it.

 

This is the kind of situation that can make you cry from sadness (especially if you’ve actually lived with an ED in your family and know the pain it causes) and, at the same time, clench your fists in rage.

 

Both of my daughters taught 2^nd grade.  I remember them talking about their students worrying about being too fat and talking about their diets. 

 

Second Grade!

 

I’m sure you know, without me throwing a bunch of statistics at you, that our youth is obsessing about weight, appearance, and body image.  It’s really obvious in teenagers, but maybe not so much so in younger kids. 

 

Plus, the numbers and stats are not so readily available for younger children.  Probably because of ignorance and denial.  “Un-diagnosed” as the professionals say.

 

But, dads, consider this.  “Children get sicker quicker, often they stop eating and drinking at the same time and because they are small they show signs of starvation very quickly.”  (BBC News – March 27, 2007  - in a report about a 6 year old being treated for an Eating Disorder.)

 

A Few Facts & Stats

 

According to NEDA (National Eating Disorders Association):  

 

At least 53% of our daughters are restricting their food intake to lose or keep from gaining weight.  And at least 67% of them are exercising not for general health or to improve athletic performance, but to lose or keep from gaining weight.  This is at the high school age.  (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention “Morbidity & Mortality” Weekly report, June 6, 2008, Vol. 57, No. SS-4.) (http://www.cdc.gov/HealthyYouth/yrbs/pdf/yrbss07_mmwr.pdf)

• 42% of 1^st – 3^rd graders want to be thinner.  
• 46% of 9 – 11 year olds are “sometimes” or “very often” on diets. 
• And guess what?  82% of those kids who are dieting have families that are “sometimes” or “very often” on diets.  We’re great role models aren’t we?

Finally, from Canada (National Eating Disorder Information Centre): 

• 81% of 10-year-olds restrict eating (diet).
• At least 46% of 9-year-olds restricted eating.
• 52% of girls begin dieting before age 14.
• 71% of adolescent girls want to be thinner despite only a small proportion being over a healthy weight.

The fear of being fat is so overwhelming that young girls have indicated in surveys that they are more afraid of becoming fat than they are of cancer, nuclear war or losing their parents.

Hopefully the above and your common sense reinforce what I’ve said before.  Eating Disorders are NOT age discriminate.  Yes, they typically start in the teenage years. Or at least manifest outwardly in the teenage years, but they can hit the very young and the very old, too. 

 

So, if you care about your daughter(s) at any age, please be vigilant in noticing signs and symptoms that might represent or lead to an ED.

 

Talk To Your Daughter(s)

 

And do everything you possibly can to talk with your daughter(s) openly, honestly, and lovingly not just about weight and health, but about everything in their lives.  Mostly about how they FEEL about themselves.

 

Things that may seem ridiculous and trivial to you can be the things, in your daughter’s mind/perception, that cause her to lose confidence and that erode her self esteem, deflate her self-worth, and make her feel she has no control in her life. 

 

It is those things – those feelings – that stuffed down and unresolved over time can one day explode into a life threatening Eating Disorder.

 

Signs To Look For

 

Weight loss at any time – especially sudden or extreme.  But watch for gradual weight loss also as you daughter is growing and should be gaining weight.

 

Here are a few things you should be alert and sensitive to at all times:

• Failure to gain weight during a period of expected growth where there is no medical or identifiable organic cause.
• Determined food avoidance.  This may be one day “not liking” a particular food she that used to be one of her favorites.  Or a sudden dislike of, for example, carbohydrates.  This can be subtle.  Be alert.
• Moving food around on her plate a lot. 
• Cutting food into tiny pieces.
• Any “fear” of weight gain.
• Preoccupation with her weight.
• Preoccupation with calories.
• Obviously, self induced vomiting or use of laxatives.
• Excessive exercising.  Naturally, exercising is a good thing, generally.  Excessive exercising is when it takes precedence over other important activities, when she’s exercising at inappropriate times or in inappropriate settings, or when she insists on exercising despite injury or other medical complications. (American Psychiatric Association. DSM-IV-TR: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, Text Revision. Washington, D.C.: American Psychiatric Association; 2004; pp. 590-591.)
• Lack of energy.
• Binge eating. 
• Isolating herself from friends.
• Perfectionism.  Normally, we’d think that having a kid who is a perfectionist and wants to do things right is a good thing.  And, generally, it probably is.  But, in my experience, most of the girls I’ve met personally who have EDs are perfectionists and high achievers.  (Please go back and read Dad D’s guest blog, “The Perfectionist’s Slip.”  It is very illuminating on this perfectionism characteristic.) 

I’m sure there are many other things to be alert to, but this should be a fair start.

 

Back To Sue

 

Let’s go back now and look at our 9 year old, Sue. 

 

What makes me think she’s an Eating Disorder waiting to happen?

• She’s 9 and has lost some weight lately.
• She seems to have lost her appetite and “plays” with the food on her plate rather than just eating it.
• She seems a bit lethargic at times.
• She get’s stomach aches a lot and has been staying home from school.  (I would have never thought of this before, but now with better ED eyes, this appears to me as a form of isolating herself from her friends.  She may just want to be alone with her pain, guilt, and whatever shame she is feeling.)
• She has an older sister who is a superstar (a tough model to live up to) and Sue, herself, is a perfectionist.  Since none of us are perfect, when you’re a perfectionist and want unattainable perfection in everything, which, of course you can’t achieve, you can start to see yourself as a failure at everything.  So even though you’re great, since you’re never perfect, it can lead to your self esteem going down the toilet.  This is a big, big problem. 

There may be a lot more.  I only heard about this in a casual conversation.  But that’s enough signs and symptoms for me.

 

When I heard what I heard, I immediately jumped to the Eating Disorder waiting to happen conclusion. 

 

Remember, I’m no professional in this.  Just a dad living through it.

 

I urged my friend to have Sue’s dad call me. 

 

“No way he’d do that,” my friend said.  “He doesn’t think anything is wrong.”

 

“At least send him the links to my website and blog,” I said.

 

“It won’t do any good,” my friend said.  “He’s in complete denial.  He’d never admit that Sue has a problem.”

 

“How about the mom?” I asked. 

 

“She’s in denial, too.”

Someday down the road, when Sue’s doctor says to that dad, as my daughter’s doctor said to me, “She could die at any moment and will definitely die soon if you don’t get her into an in patient treatment facility immediately,” he will regret not being proactive now. 

 

Even at 9 years old and younger our children are not immune.

 

What Are The Solutions?

 

I don’t have the answers as to exactly what that dad should do.  But he can start by getting his head out of the sand, talking to his daughter honestly, openly, and lovingly and allowing her to reciprocate by not being judgmental and by looking at the world through her eyes, and by seeking professional advice and assistance immediately.

 

And, what if I’m wrong?  What if Sue is perfectly fine and just suffering from some normal growing up pains?

 

So what?

 

If dad becomes aware of the ED dangers, learns to recognize some signs he can watch for, if he opens effective, loving communication with Sue, and if he gets some professional advice, what’s lost?

 

Nothing.

 

But if Sue is in Early Onset Eating Disorder mode and dad does nothing, what’s lost?

 

Sue.

 

Seems a simple choice, doesn’t it?

 

It’s never too early.  But in a heartbeat it can be too late.

 

Please share our website (www.Dad-EDs.com) and blog (www.Dad-EDs.com/blog) with everyone you know.  If they don’t have an ED in their family, they know someone who does.

 

To help put some perspective on this I want to share a video that I was referred to by a new found friend and advisor, EDN Maryland (Eating Disorder Network of Central Maryland).  Thank you for all of your kind words, encouragement, advice, and support.  Also thanks to Dove for this.

 

Is it any wonder that so many young people are becoming more and more obsessed with weight, appearance, and body image?  To reiterate the closing line, “Talk to your daughter before the beauty industry does.”  

 

Talk to your daughter, please! 

 

Here’s a real life situation and how it was handled. 

 

The Situation

 

There’s a dad, John, with a daughter suffering with an Eating Disorder. 

 

He thinks she lies to him about all sorts of things – some big and some quite trivial – and has been for years. 

 

He’s called her on it again and again and it just ends up in an argument.  She always claims she’s not lying and, although he knows in his heart she is, he can’t really prove it.  He’s never actually caught her red handed in a big lie.  But he accuses her and then she denies it and they both get emotional and end up yelling at each other.  That’s the historical pattern. 

 

Nothing is resolved.

 

Now she’s in in-patient treatment.    One day another dad, Fred, with a daughter in the same facility calls John with a “heads up” that the two girls had been caught with laxatives and alcohol in their room.  He didn’t know where it came from, how they got it in there, or any details, but Fred’s daughter had told him about it and that she had been put on a restricted status.  Fred just thought John should know. 

 

He was furious when he heard about this situation from Fred and felt like calling his daughter immediately and really reaming her.  It seemed like she was back to her old tricks and not making any progress at all.

 

But John had been reading our blog, doing some other research, and trying to better understand his daughter’s Eating Disorder.  So he decided to take a different approach this time.  After all, the old approach wasn’t working. 

The Dialogue

 

First he decided to wait to talk to his daughter until he wasn’t all caught up in the immediate emotions he was feeling.  Second, he consciously decided to use some techniques he’d learned to see if he could get what he wanted to off of his chest, but in a productive rather than simply accusatory, unproductive, and unsatisfactory way. 

So he waited until the next day, when he’d cooled off and had had some time to think about it.  When he called his daughter, after the normal pleasantries, he asked her if she had a few minutes to talk.

 

She said yes, and John said, “I felt hurt and angry when I heard that you had laxatives and alcohol in your room because that indicates to me that you are not taking your recovery, even in the treatment program, very seriously even though you have told me you are taking it seriously, are committed to your recovery, and are making a lot of progress and doing well.  I need you to put all of your effort and energy into your recovery because I love you so much and really want you to get better.”

 

She says, “What are you talking about?  I never had laxatives and alcohol in my room.  I’d never do that.”

 

Here’s where it gets really good.  John says, without getting angry or calling her a liar, “I feel especially hurt and angry when you lie to me because that indicates to me that you don’t have any respect for my intelligence or for me as a dad who loves you and cares about you and only wants the best for you.  I need you to be honest with me.  I cannot give you my very best help and support if you’re not honest with me.”

 

She’s sort of taken aback by this and doesn’t really respond.

 

John continues, “Put yourself in my place for a minute.  Do you think I’d bring up laxatives and alcohol to you if I didn’t know you had it?  Do you think I’m that stupid?”

 

“No,” she says.

 

“I can and will be very understanding if your Eating Disorder somehow compelled you to get the laxatives and alcohol.  I know enough about it now to know those urges are part of the disease, difficult to control, and that’s exactly why you are in treatment in the first place.  As long as you learn from the experience and move forward in your recovery, it’s a positive step, I guess.  Not that I’m happy about it, but at least I can sort of understand it.  I don’t really feel angry about that.  Frustrated, yes.  But not angry.  Does that make sense to you?  Do you get what I’m trying to say?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“But I do feel angry and betrayed when you lie to me because it’s disrespectful to me and I really need you to be honest with me so I can give you my best help and support.  Can you be honest with me, please?” 

 

“Yes.”

 

“So tell me about the laxatives and alcohol and let’s see if there is something I can do to help you.  Tell me what you need from me.”

 

Knowing he really does love her and want the best for her and that’s he’s not going to yell at her and get in a fight with her, she told him how she was feeling at the time and what led her to the laxatives and alcohol “slip.” 

 

Because she did open up honestly, John was in fact able to offer her some words of support, understanding, and encouragement.

 

They both felt loved, trusted, and much better.

 

What’s The Lesson?

 

Notice how John calmed down before talking to his daughter.  Previously their conversations were all wrapped up and distorted in unpleasant emotions. 

 

Also notice that John asked his daughter if it was a good time to talk, showing concern and respect for her.  Plus, he didn’t want to start on this important subject and have it get cut short.

 

Notice, especially, how John took ownership of his feelings.  He didn’t ever say, “You make me feel angry,” or “You make me feel frustrated.”  She cannot make him feel anything.  His feelings are his responsibility, not hers. 

 

This is more than a subtlety of words or semantics.  This is critical when dealing with Eating Disorders (and all relationships for that matter).  His daughter has enough going on in her life, so John is wise to not put the burden of his feelings on her.  His feelings are his responsibility, not hers.

 

Notice how when he said “I feel” he always followed it up with “when…”  So it becomes specific, not general.  When he tells her how he feels and then specifies the situation or circumstances that lead to those feelings, he and his daughter can get on the same page and they both know exactly what they are talking about.  We want to eliminate broad generalities that lead to broad misunderstandings.

 

And see how John follows “…when…” with “…because…”  Now, he’s not accusing her of anything, but simply expressing why he feels as he does when whatever happed happened.  There is hardly any room for misinterpretation and he accepts, without anger or accusations, responsibility for his own feelings.

 

Also, in case there is any sort of miscommunication going on, John asks his daughter several times, “…does this make sense…” or “…do you understand what I mean…” or things like that.  This helps insure there are no misunderstandings, but also shows respect for her by giving her the chance and the right to clear up anything that she’s not clear about.   

 

Also pay attention when John says, “Put yourself in my place…”  This is where he really accuses her of lying, but doesn’t actually accuse her of lying.  He just asks a question, “Do you think I’m that stupid?”  When she says “no,” she has, in effect, admitted the lie. 

 

And, finally, he tells her what he needs from her and asks her what she needs from him.  There can be no misunderstanding.  It’s really clear.   

 

There’s more to the conversation because it needs to flow naturally and not come across as contrived or rehearsed, but there is a pattern and technique to it.

 

These are the key elements:

 

1. I Feel…
2. When…
3. Because…
4. I Need You To…

 

Let the conversation flow freely around these four key elements, and you’ll find you are out of the Dad Lecture mode and into Dad and Daughter Dialogue Mode.  The Dialogue Mode is way better.

 

If you’re a dad who’s used to Lecture Mode, like me, this may be a challenge at first.  But I implore you to try it, not just with your daughter(s) but with everyone you know and meet.  Practice this technique until it’s automatic.  It is powerful. 

 

I guarantee you’ll be way ahead of the game in Dialogue Mode.  Guarantee it.

 

(I want to thank Remuda Ranch for teaching me and many thousands of dads and daughters and other family members over the years this technique.  It has been incredibly helpful to me and my family.  It’s had a positive impact in my relationship with my daughter and I know her sister and mom have used this technique with her, too, all with positive and productive results.  Try it.  You’ll like it.)