Background/Review
This “Mirror, Mirror” series has sort of taken on a life of its own.
When I started I didn’t know it would grow this big – this long.
In case you’ve lost track, here’s what I’ve covered so far:
1. Poor body image is directly and proportionally related to poor self esteem and low self confidence.
2. If you daughter (or son) has an Eating Disorder she probably has distorted perception, an inaccurate and distorted body image, and is to some extent detached from reality.
3. Your perception of your daughter’s body, behavior, and mind is pretty much irrelevant to her – only her perception, as reflected back to her through her ED distorted Mirror, matters to her.
4. All of the above make it terribly difficult to communicate with your daughter in any meaningful, helpful, effective way once her ED has set in.
5. One method you can use to help improve communication (and it is not a universal panacea, just a helpful tool you can use as and when appropriate), is “I Feel…When…Because…I Need.” (See last post, “Mirror, Mirror – Part II.) At least if you use this communication method you have a better chance that your daughter will be more receptive to what you have to say, the conversation may become less confrontational, you are forced to identify, communicate, and take responsibility for your own feelings and not blame her for them, it makes you back off from accusations and personal attacks on her, and you set the tone to open up and talk about feelings which underlie her Eating Disorder in the first place.
Being able to talk about her feelings (and yours) is important. Remember through all this, that your daughter is in pain, she is suffering, believes she is inadequate, a failure, undeserving, and feels guilt and shame. To some extent I think she’s hiding in her Eating Disorder. She’ll try to hide and deny that she’s in pain or that she has an Eating Disorder, and, most importantly, the whole mess is NOT about food, eating, binging, or purging at all.
It is about a complex combination of emotions and feelings that cause her pain, create chaos for her, and make her feel that her world is out of control.
The disordered eating is her means of easing or diverting the pain and gaining some semblance of control in her chaotic and out of control world.
I know this makes little or no sense to you dads. Don’t worry about that.
I’ve been researching and studying it as much as possible for a while now, have had the opportunity to speak with many professionals in the field and many ED sufferers, am dealing with my own Anorexic daughter who is pretty open with me and just beginning her personal recovery after over 4 years of private therapy and fresh out of 2 ½ months of intensive inpatient treatment, and it makes no sense to me either. So don’t worry about that.
Fact is, I’ve sort of given up trying to make any real sense of it.
I hear the words. I understand them. I believe they’re true.
But make sense? Nope. Not really.
It is way beyond my realm of experience and comprehension. And I suspect it is for you other dads, too.
That’s why it is so important for us dads to get and accept, even if we don’t understand, that her perception is all that counts. That her pain is real. That she is suffering. That she would love to get rid of her Eating Disorder but can’t. She doesn’t know how.
What Can You Realistically Do?
What can you realistically do to help your daughter in her recovery and healing?
Very little. Stand on the sidelines and cheer. Maybe you’ve never been a cheerleader before. I never was. Never thought I would be. It’s really frustrating and makes you feel powerless and useless.
But that’s really about all we can do.
Educate yourself. Learn everything you can about what she’s going through.
Give her your unconditional, non-judgmental, and non-critical love, encouragement, and support.
Let her know she can talk with you about anything without you getting in her face or on her case, criticizing her, or trying to tell her what to do.
Listen a lot. And always listen from love.
Try to be sensitive to her feelings and emotions.
Help her get professional help and/or into a treatment facility if appropriate.
Now, The Really Big Issue
But the big issue is: Prevention.
What can we do to help our daughters avoid developing Eating Disorders in the first place?
For me, it’s too late. But I want to get this message out to every parent, grandparent, relative, friend, or co-worker who knows someone who has a daughter (or son) that does not yet have an Eating Disorder.
I assume you’d all agree that prevention is better than cure.
Can we dads be “Preventionists?” (I don’t think that’s a word. It’s not in any of my dictionaries. So I’m coining it here and now. It should be a word.)
I think we can be, or at least help to be, Eating Disorder Preventionists. I can’t do it with my Anorexic daughter, but I hope I can help be a Preventionist for others.
Remember that EDs are very complex and very complicated. There is no one universal cause. It’s not a linear cause-effect disorder. It’s different for everyone.
There may be hundreds or even, I suppose, thousands of influences on your daughter that might contribute to her Eating Disorder. Genetic. Social. Family. Peer Group. Societal. Friends and Enemies. Perfectionism. The Media. The Diet Industry. The list goes on.
Sadly, there is no one to blame. Not you. Not her mom. Not the idiot second grade “friend” who teased her about being fat. Not the semi-abusive high school boyfriend who dumped her. Not the ultra-thin model on this week’s magazine cover. Not Barbie. Not Weight Watchers or Nutrisystem.
All of the above may have had an influence on how she came to see herself reflected in her personal mirror, how distorted her body image became, how she lost her self esteem and self confidence, but none, alone, are to blame.
Although there is no specific blame, I believe that if we, as dads (and I’m going to include moms here to), were just a little more aware of the possibility that our kids (daughters and sons) are possible victims of EDs FROM THE TIME THEY ARE BORN, are a bit more aware of the kinds of influences that may contribute to Eating Disorders, and, if we can raise them and parent them, lead our lives as better examples and role models, watch more carefully what we say and do and how we act, then maybe we can have some Preventionist Influence on them.
More specifically, here’s a handy Dad’s Dozen Tips to help you be an Eating Disorder Preventionist:
1. Watch Yourself.
Remember that everything you do and say has an influence on your daughter. You are her male mentor, coach, teacher, and role model. In her eyes, you are all powerful and all knowing. Well, at least until she’s about 10 or so.
So watch yourself.
I’ve heard that our brains, even before birth and certainly as newborns and babies, retain everything they see and hear. Not necessarily consciously, but somewhere in the recesses of our children’s minds is every thing you have said to them and everything they’ve seen you do. (Even if that is not completely true, I suggest you act as though it is.)
So it is important to be an excellent role model in every area of your life.
Watch yourself.
2. Equate Food With Nutrition and Health – Not Weight.
Even if you could avoid exposing your children to diets at home while they’re very young, unless you ban TV, magazines, friends, and other family members from their lives, they’ll be exposed soon enough.
So you might as well expose them early and talk to them sensibly.
Explain that there are very good reasons for people to be on “diets” or at least to be careful about what and how much they eat.
Diabetics need special diets. People who are lactose intolerant have to be careful what they eat and drink. Those with food allergies have to take special precautions about their diets. Medical patients of all sorts have to follow very precise diet plans. And the list goes on.
There are plenty of valid reasons for diets of all kinds. They are not inherently bad or evil. The problems arise depending on a person’s motivation for them, their expectations for them, and their abuse of them.
My daughter is on a very strict diet that is vital to her life. It is designed by her treatment team to help her inch back up to a healthy weight and provide her the nutrients she needs to repair (hopefully) the damage she’s done to her liver and kidneys and reverse some brain atrophy. I can’t think of a single thing wrong with that “diet.”
I’m very careful about my diet because I want to live a long and healthy life and be able to compete athletically the whole time. At least into my 90’s.
So you have to teach your daughter, model it for her, and stress that balance, good nutrition, and good health are the real reasons to eat – or not eat – certain kinds and certain amounts of food. Make her aware, in other words, of her diet and how important it is that she follows a healthy diet.
Balance and moderation are keys and it’s your responsibility to teach your daughter well from a very early age.
Let them know that some people, who are not as smart as they are, may use diets to try to change how they look, but that the real reasons to eat and drink and maintain an intelligent, healthy “diet” is to maintain good health.
Imprint on their minds that looks are superficial and fleeting, but good health is forever.
Reinforce that in the food and drink world, as in the rest of the world, it’s what’s on the inside, not what’s on the outside, that counts.
3. Encourage Variety and Allow Your Daughter To Make Her Own Food Choices From An Early Age.
I’m shocked anew each time I go to the grocery store and notice the size of the aisles where they hawk the snacks and cookies and such. No matter the store, it’s always at least a whole aisle all by itself. Nothing else in the store has that much space. Nothing.
The other day I was at a Wal-Mart Superstore and there were 2 monstrous aisles of snacks and cookies.
Worse, they were the only 2 aisles in the store that were packed with shoppers. It was major shopping cart traffic jam in there.
Worse yet, I didn’t notice anyone in those 2 aisles that didn’t have kids with them.
I’m not saying chips, snack foods, and cookies are “bad” and I’m not saying they are “good.” As far as I know, food has no moral character at all.
All food, in my view, even the junkiest of the junk food, has its place. I’m as big on ice cream, cheesecake, and chocolate chip cookies as the next dad.
But in moderation. Everything in moderation and in balance.
You can explain and model to your daughter that our bodies, via our taste buds and certain natural cravings, sometimes crave Cheetos or cheesecake and that it’s fine to have some. But not to overdo. Not because they’re “bad” or “good or because “they’ll make you fat.”
Rather because they have very little nutritional and health value. They don’t satisfy a core need….just a passing urge.
Introduce your kids and encourage them to at least try a wide range of foods. There are plenty of healthy choices. Let them experiment and find the ones that satisfy them and work best for them.
4. Avoid Power Struggles Over Food.
Trying to make a child, teen, or anyone else eat what he/she doesn’t like or want is a losing proposition. Besides, there are always plenty of alternative choices.
My 8 month old grandson loves his Gerber Rice. He loves his little strained peas. Loves his little strained carrots.
He hates…I mean really hates…his little strained sweet potatoes.
Why? Who knows?
I’ve watched my older daughter and my son-in-law try to get him to eat his sweet potatoes. He spits them out. They hide sweet potatoes in his rice. He spits it out. They sneak a dash of sweet potatoes in with the carrots. He spits it all out.
Dads…can you learn something from this?
My grandson will spit out what he doesn’t want or like and you really can’t force him to eat it. You cannot win this war even with a tiny infant let alone an older child, so don’t engage it in.
Besides, who cares anyway? There are plenty of other vegetables to offer him. He’ll eat those that his body wants/needs/likes. And he’ll reject others.
Let it go.
Same thing as they grow up. Give your kids lots of healthy choices and they’ll discover what works for them without force, threats, rewards, or punishment.
5. Never Use Food as a Reward or Punishment.
Speaking of rewards and punishment, never, ever, ever use food as a reward or punishment.
“Eat all your sweet potatoes and you can have a cookie for desert,” should be banned from your vocabulary and thought processes.
“If you clean your room you can have ice cream tonight,” is a horrid incentive.
The opposite, too. “You can’t have any Doritos for a week if you don’t take out the trash right now!”
Food is fuel for a healthy, strong, active body. It is eaten to maintain good health. It is not about looks, weight, incentives, rewards, or punishments.
And, teach your daughters that it is not an emotional crutch, either.
Teach your children this. Food is about health and nutrition. Period.
Model that and they will at least have a chance to enjoy a healthy relationship with food.
6. Teach Your Daughter Good Nutrition, Instill the Habit, and Model It For Her.
This may be the hardest of my Dad’s Dozen Tips to actually accomplish. Really bad habits may have to be broken to accomplish this.
We live in a fast food, packaged food, processed food, media influenced, and diet prone world.
The majority of us seem to have lost all sense of what good nutrition actually is. As a nation, we’re obese on the one hand with an epidemic of distorted eating resulting in Anorexia, Bulimia, and other underweight related Eating Disorders skyrocketing on the other hand.
The diet industry, about $50 Billion per year strong, couldn’t be happier. And it is a major cause, in my opinion, of all of the misleading, confusing, and inaccurate information about health and nutrition that we see and hear everywhere in the US. The more we “diet” the more we have weight related diseases and disorders – both on the overweight and underweight sides of things.
So dads, here’s the truth about nutrition, and although there are a million details, the essentials are so simple it scares me that people keep getting this wrong.
Eat lots of fruits and vegetables (carbohydrates), whole grains (carbohydrates), a good mixture of high quality protein, get an adequate amount of fat (safflower oil is great plus some flax seed oil which you can get at any grocery store in pill form), and drink lots of water.
Not so complicated, is it?
I’m not suggesting that you need to be fanatical about it or obsessive either. In fact, the opposite.
What we – all of us – really need to do is stop talking about it, stop “dieting” where the motivation is vanity and appearance, and just quietly set a great example of eating moderate amounts of healthy foods for the sake of our energy, health, and well being.
I know it sounds simple, but the reason I said it might be the hardest of my Dad’s Dozen Tips to implement is because of old habits that you may need to break.
If you’re in the habit of sitting down with a bag or bowl of chips and a beer or two (or six) when you get home from work, I hope you will become aware that you are modeling an unhealthy lifestyle. In essence you’re saying to your daughter, who is watching every move you make like a hawk, “I don’t really care about my health and you don’t need to care about yours, either. It’s not important.”
That’s a message I hope we dads can reverse.
Would you grind up potato chips and replace your car’s oil with ground up chips? Would you pour beer into the gas tank?
Of course not. Stupid idea. To run right…to run at all…your car needs good quality oil and the right kind of fuel.
Same with you, like it or not.
If you are outside of the BMI “Healthy” weight range – either too much or too little – you’re telling your daughter, “I don’t really care about my health and you don’t need to care about yours, either. It’s not important.”
On the other hand if you are always bemoaning the fact that you can’t stand your gut or hate to have to move up to a bigger pants size and find yourself going on one scam or commercial diet or another, you’re telling your daughter, “It doesn’t matter that I’m a great person and great dad, smart, kind, and considerate of others…I judge myself and others can and should judge me by my appearance.”
Please eat and drink with your health in mind and as a role model for your youngsters. Don’t be a fanatic. Allow yourself to indulge and overindulge from time-to-time, too. You don’t need to be a health “perfectionist.” Don’t even try.
But generally stick to good healthy food and drink and do so quietly.
Quietly but not silently. I suggest you do to talk to your daughters about it in the sense that you encourage good health. Talk about good nutrition. Talk about how scam and commercial diets can, in and of themselves, become an unhealthy habit, almost never work in the long run, the traps and dangers of developing eating disorders trying to be model thin and starlet perfect, and what a miraculous and wonderful machine your body is. A machine that runs on healthy food and solid nutritional choices.
Fuel it well, maintain it consistently, it talk about it in terms of function rather than appearance.
Oh, yeah, and eat as many meals together as you can. Without TV or other distractions. It’s a great place to talk about all sorts of things. A good way to start every family meal is with a “Feelings Check.” Just go around the table and everyone shares how they are feeling at that moment – generally and/or specifically. You’ll be amazed at the conversations that evolve from that.
When my daughters were growing up, I wasn’t always able to be home for dinner, but I made sure that I made them breakfast and we ate breakfast together virtually every day. Find a way, dads.
7. Model and Support Overall General Fitness As Part of Good Health.
General good fitness means engaging in a reasonable, healthy amount of exercise on a regular basis. “Exercise” can be as simple as more movement.
It means different things to different people.
I know that some of us dads head off to work early in the morning and don’t get home until late in the evening or night. And whether we do physically demanding work during the work day or more intellectual demanding work, we come home tired and really don’t want to exercise. And on the weekends we have certain chores and responsibilities, want to kick back and watch a game or two on TV, and poof, before you know it, what we model to our children (remember, they don’t see you at work) is lethargy.
That was not an issue with me and my daughters. We were always pretty active in leisure activities, vacations, and competitive sports.
But I see many men who become sedentary which is a poor role model for their children who it seems, often become quite sedentary, too.
So I simply encourage you to go out and do things with your daughters. Get outside. When you get home from work and on the weekends, make time, if only 10 or 15 minutes, to go out and take a walk with your daughter. Starting from as soon as they can walk. Even before that, take them out in their strollers.
And tell them that their bodies were made for activity. Imprint on them that all movement…any movement…is better than no movement.
Again, I’m not suggesting fanaticism or extremism. Over-exercise is a disorder in and of itself and just as dangerous, if not more dangerous, than no exercise.
But good general fitness and health requires a reasonable minimum amount of exercise.
So I implore you dads to model it and encourage your daughters to exercise with you…even if it is nothing more than a regular walk together.
8. Show and Treat Your Wife (Her Mom) and All Women With Respect.
Dads, you are the first and longest lasting example and role model for your daughter regarding all things male. How males behave and how they should behave. You’re it. Take it seriously.
If you are disrespectful to women – objectify them in any way – make disparaging remarks about women – tell “Dumb Blond” jokes – anything like that, your daughter is going to soak it up like a sponge.
And what’s the message you’re giving her through your disrespectful comments and behaviors?
That girls and women don’t deserve respect.
So when her body image starts to go a little off kilter and she’s maybe questioning her self esteem and self confidence, she’ll know from somewhere in the recesses of her mind that “Dad doesn’t think women deserve respect, I’m a woman so it’s no wonder no one respects me, I don’t deserve it either.”
See the problem?
Even if you’re only kidding, a young girl and even a teenager may not “get” the joke at all.
So please set an A+ example of always showing respect for women. That’s the model you want and need your daughter to internalize. That women, and she, in particular, deserves and has YOUR respect.
9. Show Respect for Your Body – Don’t Belittle or Berate It.
If you look in your mirror and say, “Geez…I wish I could get rid of this ugly fat gut,” you are sending a negative message and, perhaps, a message of body image futility to your daughter.
“I wish I didn’t have my grandpa’s stubby legs,” sends the same kind of message.
Get a hair transplant and you’re telling your daughter that there is something wrong with bald people.
Ask yourself this. Assume your daughter is 6 or 8 years old. Not yet too badly influenced by “the world.”
Does she love you just the same with your fat gut, stubby legs, and balding head?
Of course.
Would she love and respect you more if you were thinner, had longer legs, or a full head of thick wavy hair?
Of course not. Clearly absurd.
She doesn’t care one teensy weensy bit what you look like. As long as you love her and nurture her and provide her with the physical and emotional support she craves, I promise you she doesn’t care what you look like. (Well, when she’s a teenager you’ll embarrass her not matter what – but she’ll outgrow that.)
So I say if she doesn’t care what you look like, neither should you.
Your body is your body. Naturally I encourage you to keep it strong and healthy, eat nutritiously, and get out and exercise. That’s common sense and minimal good health practice.
But don’t make a big deal out of it. And for gosh sakes don’t make it about your appearance.
You can stay in shape and dress nicely and be clean and well groomed. In fact, you should. As a role model, you should.
But without a lot of hoopla.
Teach her by example that every body is a great body. For what it does…not what it looks like on the outside.
In fact, it’s a darned miracle that our bodies can do all they do and can survive all the abuse we put them through.
How they look is so insignificant compared to how they work it’s laughable.
Make that the point with your children.
10. Avoid Negative Statements About Anyone’s Weight, Body Shape, Or Size.
OK, I’m guilty.
I confess.
I can’t give you any specific examples, but I am 100% sure I made jokes or disparaging remarks about other people’s weight, body shape, and size in front of (and probably to) my daughters as they were growing up.
I still have to catch myself to not do it now.
I implore you to not make the same mistake.
“Whoa,” I might have said, “Aunt Susie must have gained a couple of hundred pounds since we saw her at Easter. And did you see her sneaking 3 pieces of cake? Zero self control.”
“Look at poor little Billy,” I probably pointed out. “He’s got those short fat legs that run in the Jones side of the family. Fat thighs forever. And, he’ll be lucky if he makes it to 5 foot 6, poor kid.”
“Look at that lady over there…she’s about as ugly as they come. Wouldn’t you hate to be her daughter? Her face looks like a prune.”
Who knows what I might have said over the years? Stuff like that most likely. Some tongue in check, some observations, most judgmental even if exaggerated.
And judgmental based on looks and appearance alone.
Big mistake.
Now I know better.
I hope you do, too.
These are the kinds of things that your daughter will internalize. This is what will influence her to judge herself based on her looks. And if her ability to judge her own looks becomes distorted and detached from reality, the results can be disastrous…even deadly.
11. Communicate With Your Daughter and Make Sure To Talk To Her About Her Feelings – Even If You’re Uncomfortable Doing So.
You are the one of the key authority figures in your daughter’s life. Her mom is the other.
But you’re probably the main disciplinarian in the family (often the dad’s role more than the mom’s). As such, you need to be assertive and strict and make and enforce rules.
And, as the traditional “head of household,” even if only by title, you may be gone off to work during much of your daughter’s growing up time.
Plus, moms and daughters traditionally bond more on an emotional level than we dads and daughters do. We’re traditionally cast in the role of more intellectual, logical, and real world bonding agents. (Same with sons – moms and sons bond on a more emotional basis. Dads and sons at a different level.)
All of these traditional hats we dads are expected to wear can make it difficult for us to communicate effectively with our daughters at all, let alone at the emotional and feelings level.
That’s exactly why, I believe, when we acknowledge that our daughter is suffering with an Eating Disorder our immediate “fix it” dad response is “eat more.”
That’s exterior. That’s logical. That’s rational. We typically deal with our daughters on a superficial, exterior level. And it’s really unfortunate because the eating and thinness (the exterior parts) are only symptoms of the real ED issues which are all emotionally based (the interior parts).
If we haven’t learned to communicate on that internal/emotional/feelings level, it may be too late.
Start today, whether your daughter is 3 days old, 3 years old, 13, 30….it doesn’t matter…try to get in touch with and become respectful of her feelings and emotions.
It’s actually not that hard. As soon as she’s old enough to talk, ask her how she feels.
And don’t let her get away with “fine,” “good,” or “OK.” Those are not feelings.
“Anxious,” “afraid,” “excited,” “happy,” “nervous,” “optimistic,” are feelings.
And, the best way to get her talking about her feelings is for you to talk about yours.
I know that is a lot to ask from many of you.
Me included.
Other than to constantly say, “I love you” and “I’m proud of you” as my daughters were growing up, I doubt I ever expressed my feelings about anything to them or about them.
I certainly told them what and how I thought about anything and everything. But how I felt…not so much.
I’m not sure if I even knew how I felt about things. And when I had some sense that I might have felt insecure or hurt or inadequate or nervous or scared – or even really excited and happy – I didn’t reveal those things emotions. I kept them under control and in check. I didn’t let those emotions show or, god forbid, talk about them.
After all, I was the dad. Supposed to be the strong one. Perfect and perfectly in control in every way…including emotionally.
That’s the role I thought I was supposed to play and portray. And I played it to the best of my ability.
Don’t make the same mistake.
Perfectionism and hiding or “stuffing” emotional hurts and traumas are two of the most common and prevalent characteristics of people with Eating Disorders.
So I was modeling two of the key characteristics of people who develop Eating Disorders. “Perfectly” hiding and masking my own emotions and feelings.
At the same time, I didn’t give my daughters an emotional outlet, either.
Although I can’t remember a specific incident, I’m pretty sure they must have tried to express their emotions and feelings to me as they were growing up. But they probably stopped at some point because they’d have found an unsympathetic and un-empathetic ear.
“You’re scared to go to pre-school tomorrow? Yeah? So? You’ll be fine.”
“You’re upset because Susie said you were fat. Yeah? So? She’s an idiot. Remember sticks and stones…”
“You’re nervous about your test on Friday? Yeah? So? Study more.”
“You’re hurt because your boyfriend dumped you and you don’t know what’s wrong with you…why he’d do that? Yeah? So? Forget it. He’s a jerk anyway. Move on. Plenty of fish in the sea.”
I suspect, in retrospect, that I didn’t want to engage in emotional/feelings conversations because I felt inadequate and ill equipped to offer emotional help and thus avoided such discussions to hide my own ignorance, insensitivity, and vulnerability.
As it turns out, I didn’t need to have any answers. All I needed to do was listen and show that I cared about their emotions and feelings by listening. Show them respect for those emotions/feelings and be a little sensitive to their perspective about what they were experiencing in their world. Let them know I supported their emotional selves as well as their physical selves.
Don’t misunderstand. I’m not taking blame for my daughter’s Anorexia. I certainly didn’t cause it.
And if you are like me and your daughter has or develops and ED, it’s not your fault, either.
The vast array of influences that add up, multiply, and underlie EDs are way more complex and complicated than a dad’s lack of emotional sensitivity and support.
But could I have done it better?
Absolutely.
Would it have made a difference?
I don’t know. Maybe.
I only wish I knew then what I know now. I would have done it differently.
12. Educate Yourself and Get Help If and When Needed.
I guess this should go without saying, but I think I better say it anyway.
Educate Yourself.
Educate yourself about EDs, body image, and self esteem. I’m attempting in my blog to help you so you don’t have to read and research as much as I have and so you don’t have to learn the hard lessons I’ve learned and am learning from my own experiences and mistakes. But please take it upon yourself to educate yourself about whatever you can do to become an ED Preventionist.
Educate yourself about nutrition. Do not listen to anyone or rely on any “diet” book or program that someone is trying to sell you. One good resource is to go to the FDA’s Dietary Guidelines for Americans – they aren’t trying to sell you anything. The “Guidelines” is about 84 pages long and gets pretty detailed, but there is a good “Executive Summary” that’s about 5 pages and will give you all the basics you need to start. You can get the Executive Summary by itself by Clicking Here.
And also, for a personalized nutritional plan based on the Guidelines, go to The Department of Agriculture’s personalized Food Pyramid Planning Site.
If you doubt these are good resources, be advised that during her nutritional and dietary classes and educational programs at Remuda Ranch, while re-teaching my daughter how to eat healthy and regain and positive relationship with food, my daughter was taught most of her essential health and nutritional principles from the Dietary Guidelines and Food Pyramid.
Educate yourself about healthy weights for you and your daughter. Weight is sort of a taboo subject with many ED sufferers and ED Awareness Advocates. But I think you need to know the general ranges of what might be a healthy weight range (and the ranges are quite broad) for you and your daughter. At least as a starting point or reference point.
Body Mass Index is the standard used by most physicians today. It’s certainly not perfect and there are exceptions for every rule. But it’s accepted enough in the scientific community that Clinical Anorexia is defined as less than 85% of a person’s “healthy weight” or “normal weight.” I’ve seen it expressed both ways. As best I can tell (and I am open to correction on this point) that means less than 85% of the lowest end of “Healthy Weight” based on BMI. There is a BMI Chart and Calculator Here.
One of my daughter’s dietary goals, working with her professional recovery team, is to get her weight back up into the “Healthy” BMI range. So I think BMI is something important to educate yourself about.
Educate yourself about anything I’ve mentioned above or anything that I’ve mentioned that triggers another thought or area that you think has importance in your life as it relates to your daughter’s physical and emotional health and well being.
And, perhaps most importantly, if you ever have even a minor inclination that you need some help or advice, ask for it. Go get it. For starters you can go to the National Eating Disorders Association Web Site and click on Information & Resources, or call them for help, advice, and assistance at their Information and Referral Helpline at 800.931.2237.
I’ve learned the hard way that asking for help is not a sign of weakness. On the contrary, it is a sign of strength.
Raising strong, self confident, healthy daughters with a realistic, positive body image through all the stages of their maturing and development is no easy task.
Certainly not for us dads who are, in many ways, very ill equipped for the job. So if at any time you feel you’re in over your head, even a tiny bit, ask for help.
If not for your sake, for your daughter’s.
The Bottom Line
Our daughters with Eating Disorders typically have a distorted body image, low self esteem, and impaired self confidence.
It is very difficult to effectively help them once their ED has set in. Even basic communication with them can be a struggle at that point because of their tendency toward denial and detachment from reality.
Thus, if there is anything at all you can do to prevent or help your daughter avoid the ED land mines that she will have to face and deal with in her life and help her develop a healthy, realistic body image, strong self esteem, and unquestionable self confidence, you are well advised to get on the stick and do it. Sooner rather than later.
I’ve given you a Dad’s Dozen Dad Tips that I think are important based on my own experience and observations.
No doubt there are hundreds of others, and I’m open to all input and suggestions on that subject. Let me know via email or in the Comments Section to this post.
If you do everything that I’m suggesting here and do it perfectly, it is no guarantee your daughter will avoid developing and Eating Disorder. As I’ve said, EDs are beyond any one cause. You, alone, do not have the power to cause them or prevent them. Whatever you do or don’t do while raising your daughter, you are not to blame if your loved one does develop and ED.
Nevertheless, I urge you to do whatever you can to become an effective ED Preventionist.
We can all sit around and bombard and criticize the media, the diet industry, and Mattel for Barbie’s unrealistic female proportions all day long. But they, alone, are not to blame, either. Are they contributing influences? Probably.
But the responsibility for arming our daughters to flourish safe and sound amid the inevitable, subtle, and overt messages they will face in our world is ours. Yours and mine.
It starts in our living rooms, kitchens, and backyards. Make no mistake about it. It is unlikely we’ll change the media or the diet industry.
We can, however, very quickly and simply change how we good we are as role models and what and how we teach our children. That is our responsibility and no one else’s. It is your responsibility as “The Dad.”
I know, speaking solely for myself, that I cannot, will not, and do not blame myself nor harbor and guilt over the fact that my beautiful, wonderful, smart, active, courageous daughter was overcome and overwhelmed by her Eating Disorder.
At the same time, I wish I’d have known as she was growing up what I know now about Eating Disorders, body image issues, and a daughter’s perceptions, perspective, and view of her world.
If so, I’d have done some things differently. Not extremely differently I don’t think. Not dramatically differently. I don’t think I was a horrific role model.
But I know now that I could have been better.
And had I known then what I know now, had I been more aware of and sensitive to the potential of my daughter developing and Eating Disorder, had I been more proactive when she first began exhibiting early signs and symptoms, had I been more sensitive and tuned in to her emotional pain and perspective, had I…had I…had I…
Would it have ended up differently for her? I’ll never know. She’ll never know.
But if I could have the chance I might like to try it over again. Better this time. Better informed. Better educated. Smarter. Certainly more sensitive to her view of her life, her feelings, her perspective, her world.
Unfortunately I will never have that chance. What is done can’t be undone.
But if you have a daughter or son who does not yet suffer from an Eating Disorder, you do have that chance. The chance to do it better than I did.
Please use that chance wisely for yourself, for your family, and especially for your loved one.
I hope and pray that none of you ever have to hear the words I heard last December from my daughter’s doctor, “Your daughter will die soon if she doesn’t’ get immediate, intensive, inpatient treatment for her Eating Disorder…”
“Will die soon…” being the operative words.
Respectfully Submitted -- Dexter Godbey -- Dexter@DadEDs.com