Dads And Daughters With Eating Disorders

 

Oh, how Americans - and we dads with daughters with Eating Disorders in particular - love to find someone or something else to blame when things don’t go the way we want them to. 

 

Or when we screw up. 

 

Here’s how absurd it can get.

 

The Twinkie Defense

 

Perhaps you’ve heard of the “Twinkie Defense.” 

 

In a 1979 murder trial in California psychiatrists for the Defendant, Dan White, testified that he was so depressed at the time of the crime that he was legally incapable of premeditation.  So it was manslaughter, not murder.

 

They pointed to evidence of his depression including that although he was previously a fitness fanatic and health food advocate, he was now eating junk food and drinking drinks loaded with sugar. 

 

It was suggested that sugary foods could worsen his mood swings and inferred that sugary foods = depression/mood swings = killing Mayor George Moscone and Supervisor Harvey Milk of San Francisco. 

 

No question he killed them.  That was clear.

 

Nevertheless the jury let him off the 1st degree murder charge because of “diminished capacity for premeditation” and instead convicted him only of voluntary manslaughter.

 

The community was outraged.  Riots ensued.

 

Twinkies were never actually mentioned in the trial, but some creative reporter coined the phrase “Twinkie Defense.”   

 

Now, 30 years later, the Twinkie Defense still connotes passing the buck… denying responsibility for your actions by looking for someone else or something else to blame…no matter how ridiculous.

 

The Perfect Daughter

 

Each of my two daughters was, to me, “the perfect daughter.”  They got in little trouble growing up.  They were polite and respectful.  Social.  Everyone liked them.  They were fun to be with and enjoyed life.  They had fabulous groups of friends.  Both are major athletes. They went to college and both earned Masters Degrees. 

 

They were storybook kids, teens, and young adults.

 

So when I first realized and admitted to myself that my younger daughter was Anorexic, my first reaction was to find the Twinkie Defense. 

 

What or who should I blame.  It can’t be her and it can’t be me…

 

Maybe it was the Twinkies I let her eat in her childhood.

 

I’ve discovered that many dads with daughters with Eating Disorders have the same initial reaction. 

 

I like to fix things.  To solve problems.  Other dads are like that, too.

 

To fix something I need to get to the bottom of the problem…understand the causes and reasons for it.  Then I can formulate and implement a corrective plan. 

 

That’s why my first thought once I actually accepted that my precious daughter had an Eating Disorder was to figure out who or what was to blame.  Who or what caused it?  It’s the first logical step to figuring out how to fix it. 

 

Reality

 

Last December just before Christmas my daughter’s Eating Disorder had become so serious that her doctor told her and the family that she would die (not might die…would die) if she didn’t get into immediate in-patient treatment for her Anorexia. 

 

After 3 ½ months of treatment at Remuda Ranch, she’s now back home and in the early stages of her recovery. 

 

Here’s some of what you might dream up or find if you are looking for Eating Disorder Twinkie Defenses, i.e., causes and blames for Eating Disorders.

 

There is evidence that there is probably a genetic link. 

 

There’s a strong media influence.  Paper thin models.  And if they aren’t thin enough they get Photoshopped into appearing impossibly lean and outrageously gorgeous (by whose standards, I can’t help wonder, but that’s a discussion for another day).

 

Then there’s the $40 million per year diet industry, advertising with obnoxious constancy, fueling the fires of our fantasies for finding the “perfect size” (or weight or however you might think of it).  I don’t know about you, but at this time of year I’m sooooooo sick of hearing and seeing the “Bikini Body” and “Get Ready for Summer” dieting ads.

 

Some want Mattel to share the blame for creating the Barbie Doll with impossible female proportions.

 

The list goes on and on and on.  Twinkies of all sizes, shapes, and colors.  Someone or something else to blame.

 

Since my daughter’s brush with Death by Anorexia, I’ve become dedicated to learning everything I can about Eating Disorders both for her sake and also in the hope of helping others prevent and effectively deal with EDs.

 

I’m far from an expert.  But, unfortunately, I have considerable on the job training.

 

Here’s a tidbit I can share with absolute confidence. 

 

There is no single cause for anyone’s Eating Disorder. 

 

At the same time, some or, perhaps all of the factors I mentioned before may contribute to or influence the development of Eating Disorders.

 

Eating Disorders are complex and very complicated. 

 

Just as there is no single cause or blame, there is also no single magic cure either.

 

No one has the answers yet.  It’s individualized…what affects one person has no influence on another.   That holds true when looking at both causes and cures.

 

A Few Ideas  

 

Since any or all of the above factors (plus hundreds of others) can contribute to your daughter (or son) developing an eating Disorder, are they our Twinkie Defense? 

 

Can we abdicate our parental responsibility and just blame them? 

 

Not in my view.

 

Not that we’re to blame, either.  None of us should feel even an ounce of guilt.  I don’t.

 

But we do have influence with our children whether little kids or grown up adults. 

 

So what can you, as a caring dad (or mom), actually do? 

 

Well, let’s see…hmmmm…you could lock your daughter in her room and protect her from all of those Twinkies….I mean influences.

 

Rather impractical.

 

You could write letters to the media and ask them to stop using skinny models to sell their publications and the products their advertisers are hawking.  But they won’t change until the majority of people stop buying their publications.  Letters are great, but they don’t have nearly the influence profits do. 

 

You might campaign to have the diet industry quit advertising so much or just go away.  Maybe if you’d pay them their $40 million per year – and growing – they’d consider it.  But until you’re willing to do that, they won’t.

 

Maybe Mattel will discontinue Barbie or change her proportions and features to look like an average American woman.  Actually, I’m sure they would do that if you could convince them that the Average Barbie would make them a bazillion more dollars a year than the current Barbie does.  Not likely. 

 

Drop The Twinkie Defense

 

I have a different idea. 

 

Toss out the Twinkie Defense.  Quit blaming the media, diet industry, Barbie, and anyone/anything else.  Sure, we still want to work to get all third parties with influence to be aware of Eating Disorders and become responsible respecting them. 

 

But, unfortunately, I, for one, acknowledge that I will be dead before that actually happens. 

 

So here’s my suggestion as a practical, “fix it,” thinking dad.  Something you can do right now and get instant and long term results. 

 

Gather your family at the dining room table and talk. 

 

What?  Talk?

 

Yep.

 

Do not talk to them.  Do not talk at them.  Do not lecture.  Do not judge.  Do not criticize.

 

Talk with your daughters and sons.  Actually communicate using a magic concept called dialogue.

 

Dialogue means an exchange of ideas, thoughts, opinions, feelings, and emotions on any and every subject imaginable. 

 

Notice I said “exchange.”

 

Dialogue is about communicating freely and openly.  Give and take. 

 

Your role as dad in this dialogue starts and ends with listening and being interested without judgment or criticism in any feelings your daughter might express.

 

I suggest you do this at dinner time around the family dinner table. 

 

Dinner Table Dialogue.

 

This is not the time to be disciplinarian or Grand Master of Life Lessons.  That is still your job, too, dads.  You still have to do that.  But try not to do it during your Dinner Table Dialogues.

 

As soon as your children can talk, start doing this with them so they always feel like they can tell you how the feel about things without you criticizing them or “correcting” them for how they feel. 

 

Discipline them for their behaviors if and when you must. 

 

But not for their feelings.

 

There’s a difference. 

 

When they’re old enough, be innovative and creative.  Bring a grocery store tabloid to the table and ask them how they feel about the cover with the headline and pictures of “The Sexiest Summer Bodies.”  (I actually saw that one yesterday.)

 

Talk about it.  Listen.  See if they’re developing body image issues.  Self confidence issues.  Self esteem issues.  These are keys in the development of Eating Disorders.

 

Listen not in judgment…in love. 

 

Find out how they feel about “Bikini Bodies” and their body.  And yours, for that matter. 

 

Open the door to any subject.  It is your absolute responsibility to teach your daughters how to deal emotionally with the media, diet industry, Barbie, their friends, their enemies, the world.

 

And oh, yeah, teach them how to deal with themselves.  Love themselves.  Be comfortable and confident with their bodies and emotions.

 

If your daughter comes home from kindergarten or college or anything in between upset because some jackass said she was fat or called her lard butt, please avoid doing what I probably did when my daughters were growing up.  Most likely I would have said something like, “Who cares?  She’s an idiot, her mom’s as fat as cow so she’s probably just jealous, and besides, sticks and stones…”

 

None of that will matter to her.  She doesn’t want you to discount her feelings or tell her she’s wrong to feel hurt.    

 

She just wants you to validate her and her emotions.  She wants to know you care about how she feels.  To tell her you know she’s upset and you care and you’re sorry.  To ask her what you can do to help make her feel better.  To comfort her.    

 

If you discount her feelings about anything or criticize her for having the feelings she feels (even if you think they’re dumb), you’re asking for her to stop sharing those feelings with you.  You will shut her down.

 

Bottling up negative feelings, I guarantee, can eventually lead to Eating Order Disaster.

 

In My Case

 

Did I do all this right?

 

Not even close.  I rarely, if ever I think, talked to my daughters about their feelings.  At least I can’t remember doing so.  Grades, yes.  Activities, yes.  Sports, yes.  What they did during the day, yes.  Boyfriends, yes (superficially). 

 

Feelings, no.  Emotions, no.  Mental health, no.  Self esteem, no.  Self confidence, no.  Body image, no (never thought about it and didn’t even know it was a subject to talk about).  Perfectionism, no.

 

Did I give them a sympathetic, understanding, caring ear?  About behaviors yes.  About feelings and emotions, no.

 

And so, am I my daughter’s Twinkie Defense?  Can she blame me for her Anorexia? 

 

No.

 

But I could have done it better, that’s for sure.

 

Through simple, honest dialogue about the media and the preposterous models they use.  By dialoguing about the absurdity of scam and fad dieting for all the wrong reasons.  About Barbie.  For gosh sakes, it you’re not going to teach your daughter that Barbie is NOT REAL, I don’t think you’re in a very strong position to pass the buck to Mattel.  It’s not their fault if you didn’t teach your daughter the difference between a dool and the real world.  That’s on you. 

 

Mattel makes dolls. 

 

You make daughters. 

 

Did I do my dading job perfectly?  Nope. 

 

Did I do it well?  In retrospect, not nearly as well as I could have.  Not nearly as well as I would have liked. 

 

And although I will not and encourage you not to use the Twinkie Defense and look all over for the blame, don’t blame yourself either. 

 

Even if I would have been the best and most perfect dad in the history of the Universe, that, alone, does not mean my daughter would have or could have avoided her Eating Disorder.  There’s more to it than that.  Much more.

 

Doing The Best We Can

 

But that doesn’t excuse us dads from being and doing the best we can.

 

After the fact I can tell you this.  My daughter’s recovery is going to be directly related to her strength and her will because she has now learned to better express and deal with her most difficult emotions and feelings about herself and her world (things that I didn’t help her with much, I’m afraid, as she was growing up.).  She, not me, the media, or anyone else is going to do it.  She is.

 

Not alone.  She’ll do it with the support of our whole family, a strong treatment team, good healthy food, her friends, and me standing on the sidelines cheering her on and being available to give her a hand up when she stumbles and if she falls. 

 

Fellow dads, let’s not spend our energies looking for a Twinkie Defense for ourselves or our daughters.  It’s counter productive to blame the media, the diet business, Barbie, your wife (or husband), your daughter’s friends, society, or yourself. 

 

Instead, simply start your own Dinner Table Dialogues. 

 

Become an emotional outlet for your daughters.  It is your job, not the media’s, not the diet industry’s, and not the toy company’s to help her develop the self confidence and self esteem and healthy body image necessary to resist them and the incessant messages the propagate. 

 

It’s not the school’s job, the government’s job, or her doctor’s job, either.

 

It’s your job.  No Twinkie Defense for us dads.  Let’s step up.

 

A good place to start is at your own Dinner Table. 

 

It’s powerful place.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am honored to once again present a guest blog from Dan DeValk. 

 

Eating Disorders – his daughter’s Bulimia and my daughter’s Anorexia – were our initial common interests. 

 

We met during Family Week at Remuda Ranch where both of our daughters were undergoing intensive in-patient treatment and became instant friends. 

 

The memories Dan evoked in me in this guest blog made me cry again. 

 

I say again because being a “completely non-emotional – zero on a scale of 10” dad, I was surprised and shocked when I cried for about 3 straight days during Family Week. 

 

Read this and perhaps you’ll begin to understand why.

 

______________________________

 

Introduction

 

During our family week at Remuda Ranch, we took part in an incredibly important exercise.  It changed everything.

 

Although it was made up of several important components, the single, most important objective was to wipe the slate clean.  This applied to our daughter, but also to those she affected. 

 

Remember, “Shame” is a weapon that ED uses with great success.  It causes our loved one to do things that make no sense.  They become secretive about their activities and withdraw themselves from healthy relationships.  It is the intent of this process to loosen the grip of shame and create an environment where healing can be cultivated and nurtured.  The Remuda term for this exercise is, “Making Amends”.

 

My daughter is one of four children.  She’s the 3^rd.   We have two boys and two girls, born in alternating order with our other daughter being the oldest. 

 

 

How Has Your Daughter’s Eating Disorder Impacted Your Life?

 

To initiate the process, our counselor/guide/facilitator just asked, “How has your loved one’s eating disorder impacted your life?”  The absolute requirement was honesty, no matter how ugly or incriminating. 

 

And the truth had to be delivered with love, not meant to evoke guilt or shame.  The objective was to start the healing process.  In order to do that, old wounds needed to be exposed and addressed.

 

For over 4 years our family was deeply involved in Grace’s problem.  ED became everyone’s problem.  Not a single day went by without some attention being given to the disorder. 

 

As time moved forward, little by little, it occupied more of our thoughts and became a consideration in more and more of our decisions.  My wife and I could not spend a night away from home alone, because we simply could not trust our daughter and feel secure about her safety. 

 

Dysfunction is so hard to see when you’re living it.

 

“How has the ED and co-addiction impacted our lives?” 

 

The Emotional Door – Into the Dark Place

 

The enormity of opening this emotional door and walking into a very dark place was overwhelming.  The potential for pain, anger, rejection, and a flood of other feelings was met with genuine fear in me.  I had no desire to explore this place in my mind.  As far as I was concerned, it did not exist.  Those feelings were quarantined under lock and key and the lock had a skull and crossbones on it. 

 

The staff at Remuda Ranch was extremely sensitive to what was being asked of us.  And they knew that if we tried to shine a light on too many aspects of the past all at once, we would be crushed. 

 

So we were carefully guided through small emotional doorways that led to remote recesses of our memory. 

 

Art Therapy

 

For example, we were put into a room with several other families.  There were about 7 large tables that had all kinds of art supplies in the center.  We were given the instruction to express in art form “How this disorder impacted your life.”  We had 25 minutes. 

 

I looked over at my wife and she was deep in thought.  Not moving.  Not able to move.  Frozen. 

 

I was overcome with recollections.  How could I express the detail from 4 years of continually being immersed in emotional tension?  A flood of memories roared through my mind. 

 

The lies.  The stealing.  The complete erosion of trust.  The innumerable, heated verbal battles.  Not knowing where she was.  Countless nights my wife and I went to bed arguing over where our daughter was and her not answering her cell phone.  Siblings being slighted in our attention.  Exhaustion.  The financial stress it added to our entire household.  

 

My mind raced ahead.  Weekends were the worst because we had no control. 

 

ED was only part of my daughter’s symptoms.  Because ED always brings a couple of friends, she was also smoking a lot of pot, taking pain-killers, and drinking.  That’s just what I know about. 

 

We were forced to hide all medications in the house for fear that she would abuse them. 

 

We were spending thousands of dollars on counselors and medications that did little-to-no good. 

 

We sent her to a private school for a year. 

 

My wife and I used our connections to get her jobs and she repeatedly blew them off.  We asked her to give her little brother a ride to school, where she also went, and we couldn’t count on her to do it.  Our son, who is very dedicated to academics, was getting detentions for being tardy too often. 

 

Every morning was a fight to get her out of bed.  And every night was spent worrying what she was doing. 

 

My wife, whom I love deeply, and I argued daily.  Stress, anxiety, powerlessness, exhaustion, and depression permeated every corner of our home. 

 

All the kids knew it.  Our friends knew we had problems.  We became withdrawn and isolated….

 

So how do I express all this stuff in an art project that I only have, well, now 12 minutes to complete?

 

Our art project was not the purpose of this project.  In fact, the real purpose was to make us open the door to an emotional hiding place that was emotionally off-limits for years - in some cases, many, many years. 

 

We reluctantly turned the knob, and looked inside our mental recesses with a flashlight.  Out of love and wisdom, we weren’t given time to look at all the things in there, only what a memory highlight beam revealed. 

 

We had no way of knowing how big the room was or how many nooks and crannies it had.  For each of us, it was different. 

 

And that was the wisdom in this activity.  My wife was allowed to say how she was directly affected.  My daughter explored how she was personally affected, and I was forced to confront some feelings and grudges that I thought were buried.

 

The art materials we used could be found in any home.  Construction paper, poster board, markers, magazines, glue, glitter, scissors, pipe cleaners, etc….  

 

When the time was up, we gathered our creations and met in a smaller, more intimate room.  We were back with our core group of just a few families.  One by one we were asked to explain what our piece was meant to express. 

 

No holds barred; no obfuscations or sugar-coating, the truth, no matter how ugly, had to be brought out into the open and laid bare.

 

The Broken Heart

 

Another family went before us.  An older sister of a beautiful girl that had been held in the grips of anorexia for over six years, spoke first.  (Quick side not: Please recall the intense, heart-wrenching, painful memories that my wife and I experienced just trying to do this project.  That emotion was just as strong for everyone who participated.  So, by the time we got to this point of explaining what our art was expressing, our hearts and minds were extremely sensitive.) 

 

These two sisters were extremely close while growing up.  They shared common interests and friends.  They even pursued the same career. 

 

I’ll call the older sister Emily, and the younger one, with anorexia, Chloe.  Emily put her project in her lap.  It was nothing real special for the casual observer, just two paper plates, inverted to be like a clamshell. 

 

On the top was the drawing of a beautiful, Valentine shaped heart with exquisite detail.  Emily explained that this represented her own heart while sharing her life with Chloe.  She loved her with all her heart and was proud of who she was.  Their relationship was the most important thing in her life. 

 

Emily’s heart was complete. 

 

Then she opened the clamshell and showed it to Chloe.  The same heart was completely ripped apart.  Years of lying and stealing and broken promises had slowly, painfully torn pieces from her heart and greatly damaged their relationship.   Emily was devastated.   She didn’t even trust her own sister to watch her small children. 

 

Up till that point, Chloe knew that their love was strained and that their relationship had grown cold.  But she did not know the deep seeded pain that Emily was feeling and living with everyday. 

 

Emily had to guard her heart by limiting her depth of engagement with Chloe. 

 

So, although Chloe’s life was consumed with anorexia and other addictions, (which is true in about 90% of ED cases) the fallout had infected others as well. 

 

Chloe’s relationship with her best friend and sister, which represented security, love, and something very positive, was sacrificed willingly for the sake of her disorder.  Emily was shattered and Chloe, too self-absorbed, had no idea this had happened. 

 

ED had rationalized this fallout as Emily’s problem.  It was she who had changed feelings and gotten involved with her husband and children and left Chloe in the dust.  Chloe couldn’t believe that Emily wanted her involved as an aunt.  Emily needed a girl friend to talk with about marriage and being a mom and just changes in life.  It was all jettisoned. 

 

So, in Emily’s emotional room of memories, one of the most significant ways that Chloe’s ED had affected her was a total breakdown in the relationship with her beloved sister.

 

Peeling Onions

 

One-by-one, with no time limit, each art project was explained.  There was great pain expressed.  Commitment, dedication, the foundation of trust, and love were traded for the sake of the disorder.  ED and the co-addiction demanded complete loyalty regardless of the damage to others. 

 

It was very unsettling to me to hear that the sufferer had no idea of the devastation that was taking place all around them.  Entire families were involved in this nightmare.  As the past was vividly explained, there were no raised voices or anger, or anything physical, just the truth being expressed in love.  That was enough. 

 

The onion that was built-up around ED, was beginning to be peeled back and exposed for what it really was.

 

Helpless & Hopeless

 

My daughter’s project revealed her own feeling of helplessness against this dark power that controlled her. 

 

It was a raised platform with a staircase leading up to it.  She used black construction paper.  Laying face-down on the staircase was a clay representation of my daughter. 

 

She explained that she tried to get her life back.  She sincerely wanted to get her life back; but she was just too weak to fight the enemy.  Every time she moved ahead a single step, she fell back two.  It was like the staircase she wanted desperately to climb had been coated with grease. 

 

The life she used to have was impossible to regain.  The platform where she once lived was no longer realistic to her.  She even stopped looking at it.  She felt completely hopeless. 

 

This befuddled me because, being a rational dad, I thought she had made a choice.  Surely she didn’t believe she could be involved with these deadly vices and still maintain her old life-style? 

 

But her pain was genuine and her belief that she could not recover was deeply real.  She was in the grips of something much bigger than her and she was too weak and tired to fight it any longer.  At the ripe old age of 18, my daughter believed she could never escape from ED and his friends.  She had lost all hope.

 

Not All Is Lost

 

Well, this was only the beginning to the process of “Making Amends”.  It was intended to penetrate our protective armor and peek at the deeper, core feelings that, although not obvious, were causing great obstructions to the recovery process.

 

After we each shared our project and its meaning, our counselor explained that this was a very necessary part of the healing process.  All the pain we had recalled and discussed needed to be addressed.  The deep wounds had to be treated so they could heal.  There was a cross on the property and we chose to take our art projects and lay them at its base.  For our family, it was extremely liberating to shed that emotional ball and chain.

 

That night, in our hotel room, my wife and I contacted our other children and asked that they write letters explaining how they felt during this very difficult past several years.  Our sons responded with heartfelt sorrow and maturity.  My wife and I had no idea they had such deep seeded concern. 

 

The next day, we reconvened.  During our family’s turn of sharing, we sat facing our daughter.  We read our sons’ letters.  They elicited tears from our daughter and a realization that her brothers loved her unconditionally.  She was overwhelmed with that truth.  Not all was lost, as she believed. 

 

Now that our fears and pains were exposed, we had to deal with them openly.  We had all done things that hurt each other.  We gained a clear understanding that ED and the other addictions were controlling not only our daughter’s world, but ours as well. 

 

It was not a private matter.  Each family member had been directly impacted and the family unity had been severely disrupted.  Our social life was curtailed.  Rather than talk about this 500 pound gorilla, we just isolated ourselves.  It was time to move forward and leave all the damage behind. 

 

Left to our own devices, my wife and I, and certainly our daughter, would never have gotten to this critical point of recovery.  And now that we were here, we had no clue what to do next.  Again, the professionals guided us by introducing a great tool.  We were taught how to “make amends”.

 

Making Amends

 

All the lying, deception, hiding, manipulating, sneaking, keeping of secrets, and other damaging behaviors were exposed and replaced with truth – no matter how ugly or painful.  Honesty and trust were the objective moving forward.  It was time to begin the arduous process of rebuilding on a healthy foundation grounded in truth and love.

 

In Dexter’s blog post from April 2, 2009 entitled “I feel…when…because…I need”, he describes a method of communication that can change your entire relationship – not just with your loved one suffering from an ED, but any relationship.

 

Using a derivation of that model, we began to work through the pain and distrust that slowly, methodically, bit-by-bit eroded our relationship over the years.  Here’s how this tool works.

 

First, you confess a specific behavior that needs forgiveness before healing will take place.

 

Second, you ask how that behavior made the other person feel.  This is restricted to a one-word reply.

 

Third, you ask what the other person needs from you.

 

Fourth, you ask, “Will you forgive me?”  And you need to use those exact words.

 

For example, when our children were young, I was caught-up with climbing the corporate ladder.  My job caused me to travel almost every week for years.  So this is what I said.

 

I started with, “I want to make amends for not being available to you when you were young.”  How did my absence make you feel?

 

My daughter’s reply: “Neglected.”

 

I then asked, “What do you need from me?”

 

My daughter responded with, “Involvement in my life”

 

I asked, “Will you forgive me?”

 

She said, “Yes”.

 

One of my daughter’s amends went like this.

 

She started with, “I want to make amends for stealing prescription drugs from you.”  “How did you feel?”

 

I responded with, “Betrayed”

 

She asked, “What do you need from me?”

 

I said, “Honesty”

 

She asked, “Will you forgive me?”

 

I said, “Yes”

 

I know this sounds really elementary, but I assure you, there is nothing more important in the healing process than to clear out the old skeletons.  As I described above, opening that door can be very scary and we tend to avoid it at all costs.

 

Please realize that as you explore additional recesses of your hidden memories, more hurtful recollections will be exposed.  That’s completely normal and healthy. 

 

It is very important that confession continues to keep the air clean and forgiveness destroys the pain of the offense, allowing healing to take place. 

 

The amends needed between my daughter and my wife were different than those between my daughter and me.  All three of us had done things to each other that caused relational damage.  Not all of them were going to be handled in a day or even a week. 

 

It had to be a continuous change in how we communicated. 

 

We have taken this model and expanded it to be used with other members of our family.  A great deal of air has been cleared and we’ve made huge advances toward forging stronger, better, healthier relationships.

 

Where Are Your Dark Places?  Where Are Your Amends?

 

No doubt, if your loved one has been in the grips of an eating disorder, there are dark places in your mind where you store the hurt, anger, helplessness, rejection, grief, and many other emotions.

 

Trust me when I say, “The place you’re hiding these sentiments is not infinite.  These feelings will seep out and erupt, producing very irrational behavior.”

 

Healing of all the relationships, and there are many that have been affected, will not take hold, until amends have been made.

 

Dan DeValk

____________________

Thanks Dan.  You’re the best!