Dads And Daughters With Eating Disorders

Introduction

 

From my limited experience with my own daughter and family and from what I’ve been learning about Eating Disorders recently, shame and guilt are major factors.

 

They are factors for both the sufferer and his or her family members and friends.

 

So dads, this is to help you look at your shame and guilt and that of your daughter.  This applies to all of life, by the way, so even if you don’t yet have a daughter with an Eating Disorder, this information may help you in your prevention efforts.

 

The Difference Between Shame & Guilt

 

Shame is personal.  It is a negative feeling or belief we have about ourselves.

 

Guilt is more impersonal.  It is a feeling or belief we have about our behaviors.

 

Shame = about ourselves.

 

Guilt = about our behaviors.

 

This is not just a semantic subtlety.  This is a very important distinction about how you feel about yourself, how your daughter feels about herself, and how you, as the dad, interact with your daughter.

 

Let me say this very clearly to start.  You, dad, have no business feeling either guilt or shame about your daughter’s Eating Disorder.  Sometimes we dads think we’re omnipotent, but I hate to break the news to you….we’re not.

 

When I first began to take my daughter’s Anorexia seriously (that was the day her doctor told me she was on the verge of death – heart failure at any moment) I immediately began wondering what I had done or could have done differently to have prevented my beautiful daughter from having to face the anguish.  (That’s guilt thinking).

 

In addition to that, I never once mentioned her Eating Disorder to anyone on earth including my own father for the 4 years or so that I knew she had it and was seeing private therapists and dieticians.  Not once to anyone.  (That is shame thinking – like maybe there is something wrong with me and/or that I should be ashamed of her ED for some reason that, for the life of me now, I can’t figure out what that was.)

 

Dads, trust me when I say we don’t have the power to make our Daughters’ get Eating Disorders. 

 

Are we perfect parents?  Hell no.  None of us are that.  We make mistakes.  All of us could do our dadding (I like that word instead of “parenting”) better.  We may have done things or reacted in ways that contributed in some minor ways or in some major ways to our daughters developing an ED.  (And for you dads whose daughters don’t have an Eating Disorder, all this applies to you, too, in your efforts to help your daughters avoid or prevent suffering from an ED.)

 

But even if we made a bunch of major dadding mistakes as our kids were growing up, they were only part of a multitude of complex and complicated factors that led her down her ED road or that could lead her down that road.

 

And, for you daughters who I hope are reading this, I’ve heard many of you talk about feeling bad (translate “guilty”) about causing your dads or your families or your loved ones so much anguish and pain because of your ED.  If that’s you, get over it.  The last thing we dads want is to burden you with guilt or shame because you developed a disease that you never wanted and would probably do just about anything to get rid of. 

 

We don’t blame you any more than you should blame us.

 

I don’t want to dwell on the myriad of causes of EDs in this post, so, for now, let’s just say that the factors leading to EDs are extremely complicated.    

 

That said, let’s look at how shame and guilt influence our relationships with each other.

 

Shame

 

Shame is an internal feeling that you are flawed or that something is wrong with you.  As a person. 

 

Oh, and how it can sneak up on you, can’t it? 

 

One after another seemingly insignificant events pile up on you and weigh you down.

 

You get a bad grade on one math test in 2^nd grade.  You think to yourself, “Everyone else did well on that test…I feel kinda stupid.”

 

Next math test you do OK, but not up to your expectations because you were trying so hard to do better.  You tell yourself, “Gee, I believe I’m kinda stupid.”

 

Now you’re really going to do the best you can on the next one, but your grade is still off the mark.  And now you’re saying to yourself, “I am stupid.”

 

You’ve evolved from felling kinda stupid to actually being a stupid person in 3 math tests.

 

And, for you, being stupid is painful.  You actually know, with all your heart, that there is something wrong with you. 

 

That’s where shame comes from.  It’s feeling, then believing, then knowing that you are  defective or broken…that there is something wrong with YOU.

 

It seems like once it starts, it spreads inside you like a disease.  

 

Pretty soon it’s not just about math.  It’s broader.  Maybe undefined, and maybe well masked, but it lurks inside you.

 

Fast forward to high school.  Your boyfriend cheats on you.  You find out.  You’re really upset, angry, shocked, hurt, devastated, broken hearted.   

 

How do you react?  “It must be my fault.  I wonder what’s wrong with me.  I’m too ________________. 

 

You can fill in your own blank – fat, ugly, skinny, nice, naïve, flirty, poor, rich, stupid, smart, aggressive, shy.  But even worse, weak, disgusting, non-deserving.  Whatever you are insecure and shameful about will do to fill in that blank.  And it will add to your shame.  The feeling that there is something wrong with YOU.

 

See how this works, dads?  Whether we recognize it or not or are willing to admit it or not, we’ve been there ourselves to some degree.  Luckily, hopefully, we’ve been able to work ourselves out of it.

 

But for many of our daughters, it is a vicious cycle that feeds on itself, becomes a part of their lives, and leads to more and more negative self image and self talk.  Our daughters fall into the trap of anticipating bad things because they actually believe they do not deserve good things - kindness, love, peace, happiness, and health. 

 

A high level of shame, even when (or maybe especially when) deeply ingrained and well masked, makes your daughter want to hide or be hidden from the world.  She’s carrying around a great deal of pain and will do things to divert her attention from that pain.  Things that we may think of, logically, as quite bizarre.

 

But when she’s suffering from a lot of internal pain, even when wearing a happy face for your benefit, she’s looking for ways to block out the suffering and block out the feelings and emotions.  And, desperately, to get control over something in her life.

 

I hope you know that her desire to block hurt and despair and get control of something can lead straight to a monumental Eating Disorder.    

 

Guilt

 

Unlike shame, guilt is about behaviors and actions or non-actions. 

 

You are supposed to be home by your midnight curfew but don’t show up ‘till 12:30.  You get in trouble with your dad by violating the curfew. 

 

You steal a cold drink from the grocery store.  You cheat off of the test of the person sitting next to you in class.  You lie to your dad about who you were hanging out with at the mall because you know he wouldn’t approve of who you were really with.   

 

In these circumstances, you say to yourself, “I broke a rule” or “I broke the law” or even “I violated a trust and I feel guilty about doing it.”

 

Knowing that you have done something that is against a rule (written or unwritten) doesn’t make you feel like you’re defective…only that you’ve violated the rule. 

 

And, the great thing about guilt compared to shame is that it can be erased fairly easily. 

 

You make amends.  You apologize to the violated person.  You make financial restitution.  You go to jail and serve your time and get a fresh start.  You go to confession and god forgives you.  You apologize to your dad and swear you’ll never miss your curfew again and, voila, all is forgiven.  At least until next time.

 

So guilt is way simpler to deal with that shame.

 

How To Use This Knowledge

 

Dads, here’s the bottom line. 

 

Of course when your daughter is young you have to make and enforce rules for a whole slew of perfectly good reasons.  You have to discipline her at times.  It’s part of the dad job.

 

As your daughter gets older, you have to advice her and help and support her in her life and in her life decisions.

 

The question is whether you are going to do it from a Shame Perspective or from a Guilt Perspective.

 

For example, let’s say your high school age daughter misses her curfew and comes home late.

 

The Shame Perspective would be to say something like, “I knew I couldn’t trust you.  You’re irresponsible.  You said you’d be home on time.  You were not home on time, so you’re also an untrustworthy liar.  It’s no wonder you don’t have any friends.  No one likes a liar they can’t trust. You’re grounded for 2 weeks.”

 

The Guilt Perspective would be to say something like, “You know you’re late for your curfew, right?  And you know there are consequences for your actions, right?  I told you if you broke curfew you’d be grounded for 2 weeks.  So your actions leave me no choice.  I love you, but I need you to be responsible for your behaviors.  I have to ground you for 2 weeks.”

 

Exact same result.  Grounded for 2 weeks. 

 

But the first, Shame Perspective, was all about the daughter as a defective person.  An irresponsible and lying person.  Pushing shame on her and making her feel shame.  And punishing her for being the person she is.

 

The second, Guilt Perspective, was all about the daughter’s behavior – not about her as a person.  Behaviors have consequences and the sooner we can teach that lesson to our daughters, the better off they will be and the stronger our relationships with them can be.

 

Let’s say, as another example, that your daughter is an adult and maybe even suffering from or recovering from an Eating Disorder.

 

She is supposed to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks a day.

 

She calls you and admits that she skipped 1 meal and 2 snacks the day before yesterday.

 

The Shame Perspective might say something like, “I knew you couldn’t do it.  You really have to put more effort into your recovery or you’ll never get any better.  You’re irresponsible, so how do you expect other people to get behind you and support you? You’ll never get better if you we can’t trust you to at least eat what you’re supposed to.”

 

If you had a Guilt Perspective you’d be more likely to say, “Oh, shoot, I’m sorry to hear that.  I know it’s really hard for you to keep up on all your meals and snacks, but I think you know better than anyone what the consequences will be if you don’t.  You said that was day before yesterday.  How did you do yesterday?  Better, I hope.  As hard as it is for you, I feel sad and disappointed when you don’t stick with your meal plan because I really want to see you healthy and happy again.  So I need you to stick with it as best you can everyday, OK?  I don’t want to see you back in a treatment program or, worse yet, a hospital.  So please keep doing everything you can and make sure to tell me if there is anything I can do to help you.”

 

(I hope you notice the “I Fee…When…Because…I Need” communication tool in there.  If not, check it out again.)

 

I won’t belabor this.  I hope you can see the difference for both the teenager and the adult. 

 

As I said, this is not a matter of semantics.  This is real life and being aware of the differences between shame and guilt could be the critical factor in your dadding effectiveness for both ED prevention and treatment/recovery.  

 

Many dads (and parents and other family members as well as friends, bosses, and others) seem to feel they gain the upper hand or some form of power if they are constantly in Shame Perspective – raining down shame on others as much as possible.  I suspect (have no idea if this is true, it’s just my gut) that they probably came from a Shame Perspective Environment and learned it at an early age.  And that they carry around much shame themselves.

 

If you dads can learn to deal with your daughters’ BEHAVIORS when you need to discipline or advise them, you will be way, way, way ahead of the game in both Eating Disorder prevention and in helping your daughters in their recovery efforts.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 15th, 2009 at 3:46 pm and is filed under Eating Order Awareness. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.