Introduction
I’ve never been concerned with my body image. At least not that I remember. I’ve always been athletic (I wanted to say “an athlete,” but I’m not so sure I could justify that claim).
After I quit playing football at UCLA, I had a lot of hard earned muscles get pretty flabby, but I don’t remember giving a darn.
Four years as a JAG Officer in the Marine Corps kept me fit after law school.
When I got out of the service I drank, smoked, ate whatever I felt like, didn’t exercise much, and flabbed up again. But I don’t remember giving a darn.
Kept up the bad health habits until I started playing some racket ball and couldn’t breathe after about 3 minutes.
Truth be told, I hated gasping for air after 3 minutes of playing racket ball with an older guy who was crippled with arthritis and could barely walk or stand up straight. But worse, I hated that he regularly beat the you know what out of me.
That’s when I quit drinking and smoking and overeating junk food and started paying attention to my health.
Without much concern, if any, for what the Mirror said. I don’t remember giving a darn.
I have a hunch that many, if not the vast majority of you other dads out there have a similar story. Maybe you still want be an athlete, maybe you’re still gasping for breath, but I bet you don’t really give a darn what the Mirror says. The more vain of you, maybe. For the vast majority, perhaps to some extent, sure, but not really. Not obsessively.
I think we dads have a pretty good capacity to either accept that we are what we are or happily kid ourselves about it.
We have an uncanny knack to accept our bodies and the various pleasures they allow us to enjoy the way they are.
Right?
So how and why do so many of our poor, beautiful daughters get so hung up on their body image? How do they come to be convinced that a “better body” (whatever that means) somehow equates to a better life?
And, worse, how are we ill equipped, ignorant, and insensitive dads supposed to understand this phenomenon and deal with it? It doesn’t compute very well for us. It’s really hard for us to “get” this.
But I’m here to tell you dads to wake up to this. Get it or not, it is a major issue that can have a huge impact on your daughter(s) (and son(s), by the way) developing and suffering from an Eating Disorder.
So today let’s look at Body Image and your daughter’s Mirror from her point of view and see if we can make some sense of it. Next post we’ll see if there are ways we can be helpful. Or at least effectively supportive if we can’t actually be helpful.
Direct, Proportional Link
Based on my experience, research, and what I can glean from talking to quite a few ED sufferers, the first thing you dads need to realize is that your daughter’s body image and her self esteem are linked. Directly. Proportionately.
If she has a strong, positive body image (believes that she looks “good” – whatever that means to her), then she is likely to have a strong, positive self esteem.
If she thinks she looks “bad” (however she defines that - too fat, too thin, too big of ears, too flat of chest, an ugly nose – you name it), she is likely to have a negative self esteem.
And the worse she thinks she looks, the lower her self esteem.
I advice you to not try to actually understand this from a logical, rational, provable point of view. You’ll go nuts trying. Because it’s not logical, rational, or provable.
Just accept it. And, more importantly, be aware of it as it applies to your daughter and be sensitive to it. I tell you this in the hope you may avoid mistakes I made. This never, ever, ever occurred to me when my daughters were growing up. I only came to hear and learn about this when I was desperately hoping my daughter would be alive long enough to have a chance to recover from her Eating Disorder.
The earlier you tune into this, the better.
Distorted Perception
Next thing to be alert to is that our daughters, especially as they become more susceptible to possible Eating Disorder behaviors and/or become more influenced by Eating Disorders (and there seems to be a complex chicken and egg thing going on here) begin to have what I believe I’ve seen described somewhere as a “distorted perception” of their body image.
I can tell you from my own experience with my daughter that as her Eating Disorder took over her life more and more, slowly and hardly noticeably at first, she definitely became more and more detached from reality. I think this detachment from reality is one of the primary reason that she and other ED sufferers tend to lie…a lot. Often they have no idea they are lying (is it a lie if you really believe it’s the truth?).
As ED takes a more firm hold on her life, your daughter’s distorted perception gradually becomes more distorted and the worse and worse she may believe she looks.
Listen up here. It does not make a bit of difference if 10,000 people a day tell her she looks great and is beautiful and perfect in every way. She’ll just believe they’re lying to her.
The only thing that really matters to her is HER PERCEPTION of what she looks like. And as she perceives she looks worse and worse, her self esteem, directly and proportionately, goes right down the dumper, too.
So please get in tune, if you can, and be sensitive to HER PERCEPTION of her body image today. Right now.
And here’s a big kicker. She is also going to be strongly influenced by HER PERCEPTION of what her body SHOULD BE. Not just what it is, but also what it should be.
That’s really scary. What should it be? What you think her body should be like and what she thinks it should be can be galaxies apart. This is where you hear about the influence of all the impossibly skinny and unhealthy models all over TV and the tabloids.
Here’s an example of this concept of distorted reality and body image.
After my daughter had been undergoing intensive in-patient treatment at Remuda Ranch for about 6 weeks, her Dietician had her draw a life sized silhouette of herself – what she thought she looked like by then. Then the Dietician had her stand up against her “self image” and the Dietician traced my daughter’s real silhouette on it.
The real thing was about ½ the size of my daughter’s perception of herself. Said another way, my daughter believed that she was twice as big as reality.
(Apparently this is a common technique, although it was the first time my daughter had experienced it and the first I’d heard of it. My daughter said she was shocked and it was a big eye opener for her.)
My point here is that if you notice your daughter inexplicably losing weight and/or exhibiting other signs or behaviors that might lead you to believe she may be developing an eating disorder and you want to discuss it with her, it’s not going to be easy. There are traps and pitfalls here.
What you see is probably not even be close to what she sees. So if you just say you look great the way you are, she’s likely to: 1) think you’re lying to her and therefore lose trust, confidence, and respect for you and your advice/opinions, or, 2) believe that if you think she’s looks good now, just wait ‘till she losses even more weight!
Anorexics and Bulimics Have Different Perceptions
I’m going to say this in my unprofessional, dad observation, extremely simplistic, and one-dimensional way in the hope that other dads can grasp the big concepts without getting diverted by too many complexities and nuances. I do, however, welcome comments to this blog from professionals and ED sufferers to correct me if I’m wrong, but here goes.
As I understand it, people suffering from Anorexia don’t necessarily see themselves as being fat or too fat. It’s more a matter of seeing themselves as not thin enough.
One day when I got to visit with my daughter during her treatment program at Remuda Ranch, she introduced me to another young woman I’ll call Betsy (not her real name, of course). We chatted for a time and when Betsy left, my daughter said to me, “Do you think she’s skinnier than me?”
“It’s impossible to compare,” I said. “First, you both have on so many clothes I couldn’t tell if I wanted to. Second, she’s about 5 feet tall you can see her whole structure is really small to start with. You’re about 5 feet 6 and you’re just built entirely differently. Apples and oranges. Why do you care, anyway?”
“Because Betsy said I’m thinner than her and it upset her. She says she wants to be the thinnest one here. I already think she is…by a long shot. Just wondered what you thought.”
I was blown away.
“Wait,” I said. “She’s in treatment for her Eating Disorder, doesn’t think she’s already thin enough, and her goal is to be the thinnest one here? At treatment?”
“Yep.”
See why this is hard for us dads to grasp?
Those suffering with Bulimia, on the other hand, seem to not strive to be the thinnest, but I sense they want to see themselves as thin enough so they can eat whatever and whenever they want and not have to worry about their weight exploding out of control.
Unfortunately, it seems that their ED does not allow them to actually control that “eat anything they want whenever they want” part very well, hence binging, and then purging on a regular basis.
One of the women I met during Family Week at Remuda was in her mid 30’s, married, had 2 kids, and before entering the program had vomited up at least one meal (often more) every day for over 20 years. She’d been married to her husband for 12 years. Twelve years with her husband…vomiting daily…and he had no idea.
Dads, think about that. Think about how secretive and deceptive she had to have been to keep up a daily vomiting ritual and keep it completely secret from her husband for over a decade. By the way, she is the sweetest, kindest person you’d ever want to meet. You have to understand it is the disorder that causes the deception, not a desire to be deceptive or a character or moral flaw.
This is not an uncommon story. The husband never knew until she finally told him that she wanted treatment. And, from what she said, he did not take it well at all.
What a horrific burden she must have been carrying around all by herself since she was a teenager.
So dads, imagine how difficult it might be for you to discuss these things with your daughter.
Hopefully you see the kind of land mines you may have to traverse if you want to talk to your daughter about body image – and hence, self esteem. Do not forget that body image and self esteem are directly and proportionately linked, so when you start talking about one, you’re talking about the other, too.
Next Time
Please, dads, think about what your daughter’s Mirror on the Wall is saying to her. It is likely to be a far different Mirror than the one you’re looking at. A far different voice than what you hear. Far different, in fact, from anything that you might have imagined.
But if you truly want to help your daughter avoid or battle her particular Mirror, you have to see it through her eyes and hear what it is saying through her ears. Nothing else will do.
I’m feeling like that’s a lot to contemplate. Enough for now. Please think about these things. They’re important.
Next time, dads, in “Mirror, Mirror On The Wall – Part II,” I plan to address some specific and constructive ways that I believe will help you talk about these things with your daughters. And, better yet, I’ll show you some simple things you can do and communication tips you can use early on to help you help prevent your daughters’ body image from ever becoming an issue in the first place.
Wouldn’t that be sweet?
Until then…
Respectfully Submitted -- Dexter Godbey -- Dexter@DadEDs.com
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What a wonderful insight to this devastating problem. I hope the Dad’s out there are listening to you (and Mom’s too, for that matter). As you point out, this subject matter is so hard to grasp, mostly because it doesn’t come from logical thinking. Looking forward to your next post, and if I can help in any way, please let me know–Anne
Thanks, Anne. Appreciate you.
I just read this and wanted to hug you. So many girls I hear talk about how important the dad getting a little part of this is in recovery. The denial was the worst part, the inability to talk about it, ignoring it, saying how ridiculous it is was the worst thing.
The moment the dad says “i just dont know what to do” was a breakthrough for some girls. just to see the dad actual “saw” it. i dont think they expect parents to understand it, but to recognize and validate you hear them is so important.
its absolutely true that you may never understand it - but to see it as her reality is sooo important.
you understand a lot more than i think you give yourself credit for. you never make assumptions, or try to be in her head, but you validate the reality and realness the problem is in her world.
I wish this blog was around when i was struggling because i know my dad struggled with all of these issues. Having no one to talk to, relate to on the perspective from being a dad is hard. I can say from my personal experience, having my dad say “i didnt get it, i didnt see the eating disorder was the problem. all i saw was the alcohol” was a moment i wont forget. i felt seen and heard. i was so tired from not feeling seen and heard that i just wanted to give up. when this was said i was able to break down and cry to see how sad and involving this disorder is for ALL involved.
I thank you for sharing, being honest about the frustrations, the ups, the downs, its so important for dads to have someone they can come to when they too are at a loss.
“So how and why do so many of our poor, beautiful daughters get so hung up on their body image? How do they come to be convinced that a “better body” (whatever that means) somehow equates to a better life?”
Coming from someone who has struggled with disordered eating/exercising, poor body image and low self-esteem, I still don’t have an answer to this question. Maybe it’s the need for perfection, maybe it’s the media, the way our mothers talked about their own bodies, our society’s obsession with beauty and thinness, competition with other women….the list is long.
For me, I was adored as little girl. I had a loving mother and father and was constantly told I was beautiful and perfect. As I grew up, I felt like I needed to live up to that…thus beginning my own distortion. My identity was pretty, thin and perfect. And if I wasn’t all of those I was convinced NO ONE would love me. A little ironic, isn’t it?
All my parents did was love me and did the best they could. I don’t blame them for my own issues. I think we’re just now trying to figure out how to talk to little girls about this issue and try to prevent it. I appreciate your honesty, candidness and desire to learn more about this. Your daughters are lucky to have you as a father.
Thanks, Kendra.
I wish I was around and doing what I’m doing whey you were struggling too and maybe could have made some contact with your dad and we could have given each other some support and encouragement. I think we all need to spread the word and reach out to support one another. I choose to direct myself to other dads because I feel I can related to them easiest and because I think we dads need the most help. But it’s really all of us in this ED war together.
I appreciate all you’re doing.
So please consider this a personal, virtual hug from me.
Best…
Dexter
You’re right, Andrea. At least from my perspective, it is all those things - perfectionism, media, how we talk about bodies (ours and other people’s) - a long a complicated list. And, as you so candidly point out, EDs can happen to little girls who are adored with really good parents who love their daughters to bits.
It just happens some times. Some bizarre combination of factors and influences and cirumstances lead this one to a happy, healthy life and the next one to long and cruel suffering from and ED not of their own choosing and no one’s fault.
I think that’s what makes it so hard…that it is so complex and inexplicable.
I really appreciate and value your openness, input, and insight.
Thank you so much.
Best…
Dexter
“It’s not logical, rational, or provable.” Nope, it’s not. Some days I know that.
I think, were my dad to know that I have a bit of an issue, that he would try to “fix” it, in the kind, loving way that dad’s always want to “fix” that which is “wrong” with their daughters.
How do those of us who are still silent about our difficulties say to our parents, oblivious as they may be, “Mom, Dad, I’m not ok?” My knowledge of anything does me no good, if I lack their support. I may be in college, and on my own (as much as we’re ever on our own) but, as you’ve found, daughters still need their parents. We think we’re “all grown up” long before we are.
Your writing is wonderful–I wish that more dad’s had the courage to say “this may seem to be our daughters battle, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t show up, and stand by her in the trenches”
-Tiger
Tiger….
Please pass my blog URL on to your dad (and mom, siblings, etc.) if that makes sense to you. And anyone else, too.
I appreciate your comment very much. I think all of us involved in EDs need to speak up and speak out as much as possible. The fact that you took the time to write your comment is awesome.
As I saw my daughter fading away from her restricting and other ED behaviors, I essentially said and did nothing. I didn’t have a clue what to do and figured she’d grow out of it or something….I don’t know what I was thinking. Nothing intelligent nor sensitive, that’s for sure. I was soooooo ignorant. I never mentioned it to a single person including my own dad. Maybe because I felt so helpless.
But, when her ED brought her to the brink of death, I turned around 180 degrees. Now I talk to everyone about it and write and speak and do everything I can to help dads (I point to dads because I can relate to them, I think, pretty well – but, obviously everything I’m doing is also meant to be helpful to moms, siblings, family, friends, co-workers…anyone involved with someone suffering with an ED). And, my real hope is that maybe I can help someone, somewhere, somehow avoid/prevent an ED in the first place.
You ask, “How do those of us who are still silent about our difficulties say to our parents, oblivious as they may be, ‘Mom, Dad, I’m not ok?’” I encourage you to break your silence and the sooner the better. I don’t presume to know what kind of relationship you have with your parents, but I have the sense that it’s pretty good. Just a feeling from the way your wrote your comment. If that relationship is good, that should help. If you can’t just sit them down and say, “I need some help and support from you because I’m struggling with something and want to talk to you about it…” maybe there is a counselor or therapist or counselling center or something like that on campus that can help you broach the subject with them?
I’d be happy to help you with it myself, if you want, but you must understand I’m not a professional, just a caring dad with a little bit of experience under my belt. I think you’re always better off to seek professional advice and guidance, but I’m willing to do what I can if that will help you. Drop me an email if you like and I’ll send you my phone number if you care to talk. I’d be delighted to chat with you about it. Maybe even have a chat with your dad if you think that would be helpful. Email: Dexter@Dad-EDs.com
However you do it, I hope you can find the strength to break your silence and ask for help. There is not very much I claim to know for sure about EDs, but the one thing I am absolutely positive about is that suffers need help, a team, support, and lots of encouragement. I hope you find the strength to ask for that help.
Best of Everything to you and your family…
Dexter
I’m not exactly sure where to post this as its more a reaction to all of your posts (as well as other sites, articles, etc.), so I’ll guess I’ll just slap it on here and you can make of it what you’d like haha.
First off, I understand that your daughter struggled with an ED, so in many of your posts you refer to those with EDs as daughters, but there are a lot of men who have disordered eating as well. Although the number is significantly less, I can’t help but wonder if part of that is because the disease is so often considered a woman’s disease, so men feel ashamed to speak up. Honestly, I probably wouldn’t have noticed this before I attended a presentation about EDs a few weeks ago. A speaker came to my college and as she spoke about men and EDs, she pointed out that we were all attending her presentation held in the WOMEN’S Center–and what college male, whether struggling with an ED or not, would feel completely comfortable walking into the Women’s Center?–a great point that I would otherwise not have realized. So I just thought I’d point out that sometimes we don’t realize we’re doing it.
Some more stuff I’ve been thinking about… I think people (whether that be individuals in conversation or society as a whole) don’t really take EDs seriously because EDs are so hard to understand. And what do people do when they don’t understand something? Laugh at it or move away from it.
Or, they make a weak attempt to understand it. In terms of EDs, this would be shown in how people quickly point to media as the cause of EDs. As someone who has struggled with an ED for a few years now, I know that my ED has never had anything at all to do with the media, so it’s frustrating to hear people talk about media being the main cause so matter-of-factly. Perhaps (actually, it is extremely likely) media is the cause for dieting, which may eventually–in combination with other things–lead to some sort of ED, but I think when investigating causes, stopping at media is dumb. Since myself and so many others have developed EDs totally unrelated to media, clearly there are other influences (like you said–anxiety, depression, etc.) that people should be more aware of. I find it very frustrating when people think that I have an ED because media has influenced me. In my mind, it makes me sound “weak,” for lack of a better word, like I can be so easily swayed by magazines and pictures.
But maybe I’m wrong–maybe media is the main problem. If this is the case, then there has to be a public push for change; however, I also think that many people, although they may not have EDs, have a preoccupation with their body image (the difference between this focus on image and attitudes of EDs is that it doesn’t affect daily life). As a result, individuals may be hesitant to speak up against said unrealistic images because a small part of them wants to appear that way, so they may feel hypocritical. That one’s kind of a stretch, but it’s just a thought.
All of that said, I think you’re doing a really great thing with your website. I look forward to reading your future posts!
Hannah…
Thanks so much for your comments. I agree with everything you are saying.
I absolutely recognize and appreciate that males are suffering from EDs more than ever and, throughout my blogs I do say from time-to-time “…and sons…” But that gets old. I titled my website and blog Dads And Daughters With Eating Disorders because of my experiences and it shortens up nicely to Dad-EDs.
I’m lucky to be in communication with a great guy, former college athlete, who is recovering from his own ED and is a terrific spokesman for male ED sufferers. I’ve asked him to write a “guest blog” that I can post to make sure my followers are aware of exactly what you’re pointing out, so keep and eye out for that.
Although I call my stuff, .”…Dads And Daughters…” it is really for anyone interested in EDs - dads, moms, siblings, other family members, friends, co-workers who care, etc. And also for anyone, male, female, young, and old who is suffering with their own ED.
Also, one of the key things that I have learned is that there is no one thing or one person to blame or that causes EDs. It is different for everyone and it is complex and complicated.
I think it is a noble cause to try to change the diet industry and the media, but probably unrealistic. Not to say we shouldn’t try. The diet industry and the media certainly play a part in the rapid growth of EDs.
But I think what we can change more quickly and easily is dads (and moms, siblings, etc.) ability to understand more about how serious EDs are and how to communicate better about them with their kids (boys and girls). That, to me, is where prevention starts. And then, for those who do become influenced by EDs, early intervention, better understanding, and professional treatment sooner rather than later are important. Those are the themes I want to communicate.
Again, I think your comments are on target and appreciate your support and taking the time to communicate with me. If you’d like further dialogue, feel free to reply again or email me directly at Dexter@Dad-Eds.com.
Best…
Dexter
Hi, cool post. I have been wondering about this topic,so thanks for writing.