Dads And Daughters With Eating Disorders

 

Review/Background

 

In my last post, Mirror, Mirror On The Wall - Part I, I showed you that:

 

1.     There is typically a Direct, Proportional link between our daughters’ perceptions of their body image and their self esteem.  If they hate their bodies, they generally dislike themselves, have a sense of unworthiness, have poor self esteem, and low self confidence.

 

2.     If our daughters are beginning to be impacted by an Eating Disorder or are suffering from one, they are likely to have a distorted perception of how they look and what they should look like.  They look in their mirror and see something completely different from what you see.  The Evil Witch (in this case her Eating Disorder) hiding inside that mirror tells her she looks ugly and shows her a reflection that is detached from reality.   

 

3.     Your daughter will always believe what her mirror tells her as opposed to what you tell her.  Your perception means nothing to her in dealing with her ED.  The only thing that matters is HER perception of things and her perception is greatly influenced by her Eating Disorder which is always lurking there in her Mirror.

 

Since your daughter may be detached from reality, have a distorted perception and negative view of how she looks, suffer from low self esteem and self confidence, will not listen to you, believe you, or trust you if you tell her she’s beautiful, you, her loving, caring, concerned dad, are going to have a hell of a hard time talking to her about any of this in the first place.

 

Actually getting through to her and doing some good is a monumental undertaking.

 

It’s doubly hard because her perception and how it impacts her life makes absolutely no sense to you.  You don’t see it.  You won’t figure it out.  You can’t use logic.  You can’t make her feel good about her looks and herself no matter how badly you want to, how hard you try, or what you say.  You can’t force it.  You can’t bully her into it.  You can’t fix it.

 

You will be frustrated by how difficult this is. 

 

Because you love her and want her to be happy, healthy, and have a wonderful life, you will be tempted and may try to dictate some sort of quick fix, tell her what to do, pressure her into getting hold of herself…maybe even discipline or punish her for her distorted eating behaviors (depending on her age, of course). 

 

Please resist those temptations.  Every one of us dads has to live with our own demons, frustration, fear, and pain when this happens to our daughters and our families.    

 

And make no mistake.  If one loved on in your family suffers from an Eating Disorder, the whole family has to live with it, suffer with it, and deal with it, too. 

 

Introduction

 

So with that little review and background in mind, do you feel like just throwing up your hands and giving up?

 

Don’t.  Not ever.  Your daughter is too precious and if she is on the precipice or in the throws of an Eating Disorder, she needs you more than ever before.  (This applies to sons, too, with EDs.  Male EDs are skyrocketing.  And as long as I’m on the subject, although I “talk” to dads, everything I say applies equally to moms, siblings, other family members, friends, co-workers…everyone.  I just use “dads” and “daughters” because I am a dad with a daughter with an Eating Disorder so that’s where my perspective originates.  But I don’t mean to be literally restrictive in that.  This is for everyone.) 

 

There is always hope and there are positive things we dads can do.

 

I’m going to quickly go through some negatives to avoid if possible and also some positive things and ways to more effectively talk to your daughter.

 

I’ll divide it up: 

 

1.     Communicating with daughters with EDs.  I’ll cover this in this post.

2.     Communicating with daughters before you can even imagine that an Eating Disorder is conceivable.  I’ll save that for the next post since this one is already getting longish and I’ve only just started. 

 

Before proceeding, here are a few “precautionary notes.” 

 

I am not a professional.  I am not an expert.  I have no training in the ED field other than on the job training – my own experiences with my daughter.  Ongoing, by the way.  Plus a lot of reading and research and talking with as many professionals and ED sufferers as will talk with me.

 

Also, you have to take the tips I’m providing here and use your brain to apply them to your own situation….your own daughter and family.  Every ED is different.  Just as our daughters are different, so their disorders are different….with different causes, effects, and unique symptoms.  EDs are very complex, complicated, and individual. 

 

So take from this post whatever you think has value to you and use it intelligently and modified appropriately for your situation with your loved one.

 

That includes being age specific.  You will deal with a 6 or 8 year old differently than a 25 year old.  But I think the basic principles of what I’m saying here are fairly universal.  And effective communication can’t start too early.

 

I’ve said this in many previous blogs and if you follow me you’ll probably hear me say it a million more times, but you cannot fix your daughter’s Eating Disorder, her negative body image, her low self esteem, or her lack of self confidence.  

 

Nothing I’m writing here is intended to “fix” anything. 

 

I advise you to get your daughter and your family to a professional team – psychologist, dietician, and MD, at the minimum, all with ED experience – and/or into a treatment program sooner rather than later. 

 

My intent here is to help you learn to communicate better with your daughter so that she knows you actually care about her and her disorder, that you are at least trying to understand it from her point of view, and that you are there to support her with your unconditional encouragement and love as she battles that nasty ED voice that talks to her from inside her Mirror.      

 

I believe that’s the most you can do for her.  The best you can do for her.

 

Pain & ED’s Power

 

If your daughter is currently suffering with an Eating Disorder you can be certain that she is in pain.  Emotional pain.  She is suffering.  Something in her life, heart, mind, or soul – more likely a combination – has somehow been damaged and is broken.  She may feel that her whole life is in chaos and out of control.  Her disordered eating is a bizarre way (bizarre from our dad’s perspective) for her to gain some control in her life and deal with, ease, or at least divert some of her pain.

 

She is probably burdened with much guilt and shame.  (See my blog post dated April 15, 2009 for a discussion and explanation of the differences between guilt and shame.)

 

Remember that she did not get her Eating Disorder intentionally.  She may be as mystified by it as you are.  She doesn’t want it.  She would probably give anything to get rid of it - but she can’t.  She doesn’t know how.

 

Her Eating Disorder, “ED,” has control of much of her life.  Perhaps almost all of it.  ED makes her do things she doesn’t like, isn’t proud of, and that are self destructive. 

 

At some level, I believe, she knows she’s being self destructive but she can’t help herself because ED has control and has caused her to believe that the self destructive behaviors are better than the alternatives of suffering the pain and feeling helplessly out of control of her world.  In her mind and in her perception she is failing at life.  At least her ED (from her distorted perception) diverts some of the pain and gives her control of her eating and her health, even if the result is negative.  At least it is in her control.

 

Actually, it is not in her control.  It is in ED’s control, but she is incapable of seeing that distinction.

 

When you talk to her you must realize that you are talking to her, your lovely, honest, smart daughter, but you are also talking to ED. 

 

ED will want to control the conversation and the situation. 

 

And ED is a clever and evil S.O.B. to deal with.

 

If you say things to your daughter in ways that ED doesn’t like, that ED doesn’t want her to hear, or that may interfere with ED’s control of her, he will convince her that you are wrong, that you are lying, that you are untrustworthy, that you are uncaring, that you don’t “get” her or her struggle at all, that you don’t care about her, that you don’t love her, and that you are the enemy. 

 

No matter what you say, ED will try to turn it against you.

 

But that is no reason to remain silent.  The worst thing you can do is ignore the problem and live in denial. 

 

Take it from me.  I did that. 

 

It’s not that I was in denial that my daughter had an Eating Disorder.  I knew she wasn’t eating enough because she got skinny as a rail and always wore clothes that hid her body.  I don’t think I saw her arms or legs for 4 or 5 years at one point.

 

My denial was centered on not taking it seriously.  In my mind it was not really such a big deal because, after all, all she had to do was eat more and she’d be OK.  This, to me, didn’t seem especially difficult and certainly not serious. 

 

She was seeing a psychologist and nutritionist weekly.  I figured that was enough, if not overkill.  I’d ask her how her appointments were and she’d say good and I’d leave it at that.

 

That was pretty much the full extent of our conversations about her Eating Disorder for a number of years. 

 

Lost years as it turns out and as she continued to starve herself to the brink of death.

 

Please don’t make the same mistakes I did. 

 

Talk To Your Daughter

 

Talk to your daughter.  You don’t have to walk on egg shells.  I think I did that to some extent, but for me it was more just not talking about it at all.

 

In reality you can and, I believe, should say whatever is on your mind.  But you have to do it the right way.  And when I say the “right way,” I mean in a way that has a chance of having a positive effect on your daughter.  The wrong way will have a negative impact. 

 

There is no single “right way.”  I don’t know the “right way” for you and your daughter.  We’re all different, our loved ones are all different, and our relationships with them are all different.

 

But here are some general guidelines that you may find helpful.

 

1.     Speak to your daughter from love.

2.     Speak the truth as you see it, recognizing she has a right to and may disagree.

3.     Speak to her from encouragement, support, kindness, and at least an attempt at understanding her pain.

4.     Speak to her without attack, judgment, criticism, or blame.

5.     Speak to her with an awareness that ED will do everything he can to pervert what you say and turn it and your daughter against you.

6.     Listen to her.  Do whatever you can to “get” her perspective.  Be sensitive to her feelings and emotions. 

 

Examples of ED’s Power & Ways NOT to Say Things

 

Remembering that you are talking to both your daughter and her personal ED, here are some topics and ways of saying things that you might want to be careful about.  I’m only going to throw out a few examples here so you can see how the most innocent things you may say may be perverted by ED and/or her perspective which, don’t forget, is likely to be detached from reality. 

 

You may think you’re being completely positive and encouraging from your point of view if you say something like, “You’re looking better.  Have you gained a little weight?” 

 

You’re being a clever dad and subtly implying that gaining weight, for her, would be a good thing and would help her to look better and be healthier, right?  Perfectly logical.  I probably did the same thing. 

 

However, your daughter and ED are hearing those seemingly complimentary and encouraging words and they are thinking from their point of view, “You cannot possibly gain weight AND look better for god’s sake.  That’s an oxymoron so Dad must be a moron.  Plus, he can only see what’s on the outside.  He doesn’t care about how I feel…how much pain I’m in…the chaos I’m trying to live through?  Proving, as I’ve always known, that my dad doesn’t get me at all.  If he cared about me he’d know.  And he said I’m ‘looking better?’  Does he judge me solely by how I look?  And looking better than what?  He must have thought I was really ugly.  Or is he implying I’m still really ugly?  I better lose some more weight.  Then I’ll look better and maybe then I can really get his attention.”

 

Dads, I’m not kidding about this.  I know it is impossible to understand how your innocent comment could illicit such a negative reaction, but trust me, it can and will.

 

How about this one?  “I think you look too thin.”

 

Again, although this is a negative comment, you’re being honest which is always good, right?  And it’s a pretty innocuous criticism.  Just an observation, really.   You’re just being open.  Telling the truth.  What’s wrong with that?

 

What’s wrong is that your daughter and ED, detached from reality, may not hear this as a criticism, but rather as a compliment.  They’re thinking, “Wow, Dad noticed me.  I want to be thin and he’s noticed that I’m getting there.  That’s pretty awesome.  Wait ‘till I lose some more of this ugly fat.  I’ll really get his attention and lots more compliments then.”

 

See what’s happening? 

 

OK, what can be wrong with this?  “You look happier today.”

 

Your daughter and ED may interpret this innocent comment something like this.  “There goes dad. Always judging me by how I look.  To him everything is about what’s on the outside without a care in the world for how I am inside.  That’s where I hurt.  Sure, I can put on a happy mask.  I can make myself ‘…look happier…’  But is how I look – happy or sad - the only thing he cares about?  How he measures my success?  Can’t I ever be more to him than what I look like?”

 

Here’s a classic dad type comment.  I don’t think I ever did this one (at least I sincerely hope not) but I have no doubt that millions and millions of dads have said this or something quite like it.  “This is ridiculous, you’ve gone far enough now, you’re making me crazy with this, so get a grip on yourself and start eating like a normal person.”

 

I hope by now I don’t have to go into any detail about what your daughter and ED are going to think about you if you approach them with this kind of attitude.  If you talk to your ED suffering daughter like this, you may lose her entirely.  Even if you are talking to her from a place of love and concern, I hope you can see that this approach will have a horribly negative impact on her and may impede her recovery or accelerate her decline.

 

It’s probably the most natural thing in the world for us dads to do.  Even well informed, we may not be able to avoid saying things like that.    

 

But if you want to be helpful, avoid doing so.  It will push your daughter away from you at the very time in her life when she needs you the most. 

 

Those are just a few examples of some “don’ts.”  A few subjects and ways of saying things that may have effects on your daughter that are the opposite of your intent.  Though only a few examples, I hope you get the idea.

 

On The Positive Side

 

So what can/should you say?  Or how can you be honest, open, and say what’s on your mind so it results in the positive impact you intend?

 

You can say anything you want, even all of the above, if you do it in love, encouragement, and support and if you use the “I Feel…When…Because…I Need” communication technique.

 

I detailed the technique (which I learned at Family Week at Remuda Ranch during my daughter’s inpatient treatment program) on my post dated April 2, 2009.  If you’re not familiar with it, I urge you to go back and read it and implement it in your daily life, especially with your daughter.  If you are familiar with it, review it, practice it, use it. 

 

Let’s go back now and look at each of the sample statements from above and put them in the “I Feel…” structure and see how that may change the daughter/ED perception of what you’re trying to communicate.

 

The Old Way:  “You’re looking better.  Have you gained a little weight?”

 

Change To:  “I feel very excited and happy when you eat a little healthier and you put on a little more weight because I know you’re struggling with a lot of issues in your life right now, having a lot of difficulty eating in a healthy way…many things we haven’t talked about and that I may not understand.  But I love you more than anything and only want you to be healthy and happy.  I’m not sure how I can help you with that or with your struggles, but I need you to talk to me openly and let me know if there is anything at all that I can do for you.  I promise not to judge or criticize.  I only want to help you if I can.  Is that OK with you?”

 

See the difference? 

 

The Old Way:  “I think you look too thin.”

 

Change To:  “I feel scared when I see you loosing more weight because I’m afraid you’re going to get sick.  I realize there is a lot of pressure for women to stay extremely lean these days and I have no problem with that as long as you stay healthy.  I know you are having some real difficulties in your life right now and going through a lot, but I need you to promise me that you’ll do everything you can to make your health a strong priority.  That means talking to me about it, too.  I promise to help you in any way that I can.  Do you think you can do that?”

 

The Old Way:  “You look happier today.”

 

Change To:  “I feel optimistic and hopeful when I can sense that you’re feeling better about yourself and when you feel better – stronger – on the inside, it actually shows on the outside, too.  I can see it.  I hope you really are feeling better because I know you’re going through a tough struggle right now.  I don’t claim to understand it, but I need you to try to be honest with me about it and open up with me and maybe there’s some way I can be helpful.  I’ll at least promise to try.  Does that make sense to you?”

 

 

The Old Way:  “This is ridiculous, you’ve gone far enough now, you’re making me crazy with this, so get a grip on yourself and start eating like a normal person.”

 

Change To:  (This one is a little tougher because it comes from such an ignorant and insensitive perspective to start with, but let’s give it a try.) 

 

“I feel frustrated and even kind of angry when you continue on your path of not eating (or binging and purging or whatever the situation warrants).  I noticed last night you were just moving your food around at dinner.  The reason is because I love you so much and want you to have a great life.  That’s all.  And I don’t understand why you can’t eat in a more healthy way like the rest of the family.  I need you to talk to me about this and explain it to me so maybe I can understand it better and help you in some way if you can’t look after your health better on your own.  I need you to at least promise me you’ll try.  Can you do that?”

 

Key Points

 

First, notice that in all the Change To’s, the formula, “I Feel…When…Because…I Need” is followed exactly and yet it doesn’t sound like dad is following a formula at all.  It comes out quite naturally.  It’s a perfectly normal way to talk.  If you weren’t aware of it and I didn’t bold & italicize the words, you wouldn’t notice that all four examples follow the exact same pattern. 

 

That’s why this communication skill (for which I am eternally grateful to Remuda Ranch) is so easy to use.  I’ve found it to be very powerful and effective in all my business and personal relationships and especially in communicating with my daughter. 

 

Second, notice that in each Change To, dad is taking 100% responsibility for his own feelings.  He is not saying “YOU make me feel angry, frustrated, optimistic, etc.”  Do not give your daughter or let her think she has that much responsibility for you.  You are responsible for your feelings, not her.  She has enough problems of her own without you trying to make her responsible for your feelings or trying to shame or guilt her.

 

Third, notice that the “When” part of the formula is designed to make the conversation specific…about a specific event or series of events or behaviors.  Trying to have intelligent conversations with anyone about generalities is difficult at best and leads to many misunderstandings and much animosity.  Trying to do it with a loved one with an ED is futile.  So always keep things as specific as possible.  The more specific, the better.

 

Fourth, the “Because” element gives you the chance to explain what is behind your feelings and gives you the opportunity to specifically express that you care about her, her health, her recovery, her struggles, her pain, etc.  It is very important that she hears these things from you on an ongoing basis.  It helps put your feelings in perspective for her and justifies them so she can’t so easily write them off as just empty words with no meaning. 

 

Finally, the “I Need” part is designed to make a quite specific request of your daughter – hopefully to get a commitment from her.

 

And, although not part of the formula as I learned it, I always end with a question of commitment or understanding.  “Does that make sense?”  “Can you see my point of view?”  Will you promise to try?”  “Can I count on you for that much, at least?”  Anything along those lines to at least elicit a response, get a feel for if she understands what you’re trying to communicate, specifically ask for a commitment requiring some action – or at least thought – on her part, and hopefully, open the door for a true dialogue and keep the conversation going.

 

Bottom Line

 

I hope this gives you dads some food for thought about simple ways to open up some positive communication with your ED afflicted daughters.

 

It won’t “fix” anything, but it may help.  Professional advice/treatment is recommended sooner rather than later.  Later can literally mean too late and death. 

 

Remember that if your daughter is on the precipice of an Eating Disorder, is a short or long time sufferer, or even if she is in the recovery process, she is experiencing pain and uncertainty and is probably scared.  She’s detached from reality, her body image is distorted and negative, she has poor self esteem, and low self confidence. 

 

What she eats, how often she purges, and how she looks are not the real issues at all – they are only means of control, ways to divert pain, and symptoms we dads can see. 

 

To get beyond those visible signs and symptoms, we need to talk with our daughters.  From their perspective. 

 

When your daughter looks in the mirror she sees (and hears from ED) things you cannot even imagine.  The more aware you are that she sees things quite differently than you, the more sensitive you can become to her reality, the more you are willing to educate yourself and learn about her disorder, then the more effective you can be at communicating with her in ways that at least have some hope of creating a positive effect. 

 

It is not easy and nothing I’ve said here is foolproof.  ED is a tricky son-of-a-gun.  Expect deception, lies, and broken promises.  Not every conversation will be fruitful and many will be disastrous.   

 

Keep trying.  Keep working at it. 

 

Never give in to ED and never give up hope on your daughter and her recovery. 

 

I feel honored, enthused, excited, and optimistic when I’m able to provide this sort of information to you dads because we, as a group, are typically the most insensitive and ignorant about our daughter’s EDs, and yet, whether we realize it or not, we generally have a strong influence on them.  So I need you dads to open your minds and hearts to your daughters’ sufferings, open sensitive, understanding, encouraging, supportive, and loving conversations with them, and remove your criticism, judgment, and blame.  Can you do that?  Both you and your daughter will be better off.  It may even save her life.

 

There is so much more I’d love to share, but this is way, way too long as it is.  I believe it is so important though and worth the time for me, at least, to put it out there for you in the hope that it is important enough for you and worth your time to read, consider, and implement.

 

And I welcome - in fact encourage - all comments from ED sufferers, professionals, dads, moms, and everyone else to correct me if I’m wrong about any of this and to let others benefit from your own experiences and insights.  Just click on the “Comment” link, below.  Thanks.

 

Next Time

 

Next time, in Mirror, Mirror On The Wall – Part III – the final Mirror installment - I’m going to address what we dads can do from an avoidance or prevention standpoint…how to help our daughters grow up seeing themselves as beautiful in their own Mirrors, avoiding ED problems in the first place, and cultivating a strong and healthy body image, unbeatable self esteem, and enviable self confidence. 

 

Until Then… 

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