Dads And Daughters With Eating Disorders

 

Introduction

 

If you’ve been following my blog, you know that I’m the dad of a 26 year old daughter with an Eating Disorder – Anorexia.

 

She was near death in December, spent 3 ½ months at Remuda Ranch in intensive inpatient treatment, and is now back home starting her 2^nd month of independent recovery. 

 

She’s had 2 Eating Disorder related incidents since she’s been home.  Slips, not relapses. 

 

In spite of the slips, I think all-in-all she’s doing pretty great.  But one thing I’ve learned is that you can never relax and take things for granted.

 

I also realize more slips are almost inevitable and, statistically speaking, a relapse is quite possible.

 

As her dad, as hard as it was accept, I finally came to realize some time ago that there is not much I can do to help her.  And there was not much I could have done to help her prevent or avoid her Eating Disorder either. 

 

Not much. 

 

But there are some things we dads (and moms, siblings, relatives, friends, co-workers, and others) can and should do to help our loved ones in both Eating Disorder prevention and recovery. 

 

3 Things We Can Do

 

1.  Communicate. 

 

I always thought I communicated pretty well with my 2 daughters.  I thought our whole family was pretty open and communicated well. 

 

But I admit now that my communication was on a rather superficial level.  Didn’t realize it at the time.  Hindsight is brutally enlightening.

 

We dads really need to be aware of and make a conscious effort to communicate with our daughters (and sons) on an emotional and feelings level.

 

We don’t’ typically do that well.  We gloss over feelings – theirs and ours. 

 

They cry and we say be tough…be strong. 

 

They’re in pain and we say shake it off. 

 

They feel ugly, insecure, inferior, or unworthy and we can’t imagine why so we just ignore it.

 

Ignore or make light of your daughter’s hurt, pain, and insecurity, and she’ll keep it inside.  That’s a dangerous proposition.

 

If you really want to communicate with your daughter – regardless of her age – ask her how she feels about things.  Not what she thinks about them.  How she feels about them. 

 

And then…

 

2.  Listen.

 

That means pay serious attention.

 

It means let your daughter tell you about her world without judgment or criticism.  Without telling her what to do all the time.  Without expecting her to be you.

 

Your daughter may see and experience her world from a perspective that’s as different from yours as black is from white. 

 

The sooner you get tuned into your daughter’s view – even though it may be incomprehensible to you, irrational, distorted, and completely detached from reality – listen anyway because to her it is real. 

 

It is the only thing that is real.

 

If you want to give her an emotional outlet so she doesn’t bottle up her feelings which may one day explode into an Eating Disorder, then listen and learn about her world.  And take it seriously.

 

She’ll only share with you what she wants to share with you.  You can’t force her.  Rather, encourage her by actually listening to her.

 

And then…

 

3.  Remember. 

 

Remember that your perspective is irrelevant to your daughter and, as difficult as this is to accept, it does not matter to her one bit.   

 

Trust that your daughter’s world view is the only world view that makes any difference to her. 

 

You can tell her 1,000 times that she’s beautiful and smart and a wonderful girl or woman.  But if she has developed, even if for completely illogical and inexplicable reasons, a distorted body image which may also mean low self confidence and poor self esteem, your compliments and exhortations to the contrary will fall on deaf ears.

 

In fact, if she’s convinced that she doesn’t look good and you tell her how beautiful she is, she’s likely to think you’re either an idiot or lying to her, neither of which is helpful.

 

If you want to help your daughter prevent or recover from an Eating Disorder, remember that her truth trumps your truth every time. 

 

You needn’t bother trying to figure this out. 

 

But you really ought to remember and accept it.

 

Conclusion – The 3 Magic Words

 

Having said all that, you may think the 3 Magic Words are Communicate, Listen, Remember.

 

They’re not bad as Magic Words if you implement the actions behind them diligently and consistently.

 

But truth be told, they only represent a few specific outward manifestations of the real 3 Magic Words.

 

“I Love You.”

 

Those are the 3 Magic Words.

 

If you really love your daughter (or son), then you can show her you do by making every effort to Communicate with her on an emotional and feeling level. 

 

You can demonstrate just how much you care by Listening to her with your heart and soul as well as with your head. 

 

And, if you really love her you can make that clear to her by Remembering that she has a perspective about her world that may be completely unimaginable to you.  But if you show her that her perspective has value, that you are at least trying to “get it,” and that you respect it, you’ll be showing her that SHE has value and that you respect HER. 

 

How can you help your daughter avoid or recover from an Eating Disorder? 

 

Give her your never ending and non-judgmental support, your heartfelt encouragement, and your unconditional love.

 

She wants attention from you, wants you to care about how she feels, and wants your love.

 

Don’t just say it.  Do it.  Constantly show her through your words and actions…

 

“I Love You.”

 

Three Magic Words. 

 

It’s the best we can do.

 

 

 

 

 

This entry was posted on Monday, May 25th, 2009 at 5:38 am and is filed under Eating Order Awareness. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.