I am honored to once again present a guest blog from Dan DeValk.
Eating Disorders – his daughter’s Bulimia and my daughter’s Anorexia – were our initial common interests.
We met during Family Week at Remuda Ranch where both of our daughters were undergoing intensive in-patient treatment and became instant friends.
The memories Dan evoked in me in this guest blog made me cry again.
I say again because being a “completely non-emotional – zero on a scale of 10” dad, I was surprised and shocked when I cried for about 3 straight days during Family Week.
Read this and perhaps you’ll begin to understand why.
______________________________
Introduction
During our family week at Remuda Ranch, we took part in an incredibly important exercise. It changed everything.
Although it was made up of several important components, the single, most important objective was to wipe the slate clean. This applied to our daughter, but also to those she affected.
Remember, “Shame” is a weapon that ED uses with great success. It causes our loved one to do things that make no sense. They become secretive about their activities and withdraw themselves from healthy relationships. It is the intent of this process to loosen the grip of shame and create an environment where healing can be cultivated and nurtured. The Remuda term for this exercise is, “Making Amends”.
My daughter is one of four children. She’s the 3rd. We have two boys and two girls, born in alternating order with our other daughter being the oldest.
How Has Your Daughter’s Eating Disorder Impacted Your Life?
To initiate the process, our counselor/guide/facilitator just asked, “How has your loved one’s eating disorder impacted your life?” The absolute requirement was honesty, no matter how ugly or incriminating.
And the truth had to be delivered with love, not meant to evoke guilt or shame. The objective was to start the healing process. In order to do that, old wounds needed to be exposed and addressed.
For over 4 years our family was deeply involved in Grace’s problem. ED became everyone’s problem. Not a single day went by without some attention being given to the disorder.
As time moved forward, little by little, it occupied more of our thoughts and became a consideration in more and more of our decisions. My wife and I could not spend a night away from home alone, because we simply could not trust our daughter and feel secure about her safety.
Dysfunction is so hard to see when you’re living it.
“How has the ED and co-addiction impacted our lives?”
The Emotional Door – Into the Dark Place
The enormity of opening this emotional door and walking into a very dark place was overwhelming. The potential for pain, anger, rejection, and a flood of other feelings was met with genuine fear in me. I had no desire to explore this place in my mind. As far as I was concerned, it did not exist. Those feelings were quarantined under lock and key and the lock had a skull and crossbones on it.
The staff at Remuda Ranch was extremely sensitive to what was being asked of us. And they knew that if we tried to shine a light on too many aspects of the past all at once, we would be crushed.
So we were carefully guided through small emotional doorways that led to remote recesses of our memory.
Art Therapy
For example, we were put into a room with several other families. There were about 7 large tables that had all kinds of art supplies in the center. We were given the instruction to express in art form “How this disorder impacted your life.” We had 25 minutes.
I looked over at my wife and she was deep in thought. Not moving. Not able to move. Frozen.
I was overcome with recollections. How could I express the detail from 4 years of continually being immersed in emotional tension? A flood of memories roared through my mind.
The lies. The stealing. The complete erosion of trust. The innumerable, heated verbal battles. Not knowing where she was. Countless nights my wife and I went to bed arguing over where our daughter was and her not answering her cell phone. Siblings being slighted in our attention. Exhaustion. The financial stress it added to our entire household.
My mind raced ahead. Weekends were the worst because we had no control.
ED was only part of my daughter’s symptoms. Because ED always brings a couple of friends, she was also smoking a lot of pot, taking pain-killers, and drinking. That’s just what I know about.
We were forced to hide all medications in the house for fear that she would abuse them.
We were spending thousands of dollars on counselors and medications that did little-to-no good.
We sent her to a private school for a year.
My wife and I used our connections to get her jobs and she repeatedly blew them off. We asked her to give her little brother a ride to school, where she also went, and we couldn’t count on her to do it. Our son, who is very dedicated to academics, was getting detentions for being tardy too often.
Every morning was a fight to get her out of bed. And every night was spent worrying what she was doing.
My wife, whom I love deeply, and I argued daily. Stress, anxiety, powerlessness, exhaustion, and depression permeated every corner of our home.
All the kids knew it. Our friends knew we had problems. We became withdrawn and isolated….
So how do I express all this stuff in an art project that I only have, well, now 12 minutes to complete?
Our art project was not the purpose of this project. In fact, the real purpose was to make us open the door to an emotional hiding place that was emotionally off-limits for years - in some cases, many, many years.
We reluctantly turned the knob, and looked inside our mental recesses with a flashlight. Out of love and wisdom, we weren’t given time to look at all the things in there, only what a memory highlight beam revealed.
We had no way of knowing how big the room was or how many nooks and crannies it had. For each of us, it was different.
And that was the wisdom in this activity. My wife was allowed to say how she was directly affected. My daughter explored how she was personally affected, and I was forced to confront some feelings and grudges that I thought were buried.
The art materials we used could be found in any home. Construction paper, poster board, markers, magazines, glue, glitter, scissors, pipe cleaners, etc….
When the time was up, we gathered our creations and met in a smaller, more intimate room. We were back with our core group of just a few families. One by one we were asked to explain what our piece was meant to express.
No holds barred; no obfuscations or sugar-coating, the truth, no matter how ugly, had to be brought out into the open and laid bare.
The Broken Heart
Another family went before us. An older sister of a beautiful girl that had been held in the grips of anorexia for over six years, spoke first. (Quick side not: Please recall the intense, heart-wrenching, painful memories that my wife and I experienced just trying to do this project. That emotion was just as strong for everyone who participated. So, by the time we got to this point of explaining what our art was expressing, our hearts and minds were extremely sensitive.)
These two sisters were extremely close while growing up. They shared common interests and friends. They even pursued the same career.
I’ll call the older sister Emily, and the younger one, with anorexia, Chloe. Emily put her project in her lap. It was nothing real special for the casual observer, just two paper plates, inverted to be like a clamshell.
On the top was the drawing of a beautiful, Valentine shaped heart with exquisite detail. Emily explained that this represented her own heart while sharing her life with Chloe. She loved her with all her heart and was proud of who she was. Their relationship was the most important thing in her life.
Emily’s heart was complete.
Then she opened the clamshell and showed it to Chloe. The same heart was completely ripped apart. Years of lying and stealing and broken promises had slowly, painfully torn pieces from her heart and greatly damaged their relationship. Emily was devastated. She didn’t even trust her own sister to watch her small children.
Up till that point, Chloe knew that their love was strained and that their relationship had grown cold. But she did not know the deep seeded pain that Emily was feeling and living with everyday.
Emily had to guard her heart by limiting her depth of engagement with Chloe.
So, although Chloe’s life was consumed with anorexia and other addictions, (which is true in about 90% of ED cases) the fallout had infected others as well.
Chloe’s relationship with her best friend and sister, which represented security, love, and something very positive, was sacrificed willingly for the sake of her disorder. Emily was shattered and Chloe, too self-absorbed, had no idea this had happened.
ED had rationalized this fallout as Emily’s problem. It was she who had changed feelings and gotten involved with her husband and children and left Chloe in the dust. Chloe couldn’t believe that Emily wanted her involved as an aunt. Emily needed a girl friend to talk with about marriage and being a mom and just changes in life. It was all jettisoned.
So, in Emily’s emotional room of memories, one of the most significant ways that Chloe’s ED had affected her was a total breakdown in the relationship with her beloved sister.
Peeling Onions
One-by-one, with no time limit, each art project was explained. There was great pain expressed. Commitment, dedication, the foundation of trust, and love were traded for the sake of the disorder. ED and the co-addiction demanded complete loyalty regardless of the damage to others.
It was very unsettling to me to hear that the sufferer had no idea of the devastation that was taking place all around them. Entire families were involved in this nightmare. As the past was vividly explained, there were no raised voices or anger, or anything physical, just the truth being expressed in love. That was enough.
The onion that was built-up around ED, was beginning to be peeled back and exposed for what it really was.
Helpless & Hopeless
My daughter’s project revealed her own feeling of helplessness against this dark power that controlled her.
It was a raised platform with a staircase leading up to it. She used black construction paper. Laying face-down on the staircase was a clay representation of my daughter.
She explained that she tried to get her life back. She sincerely wanted to get her life back; but she was just too weak to fight the enemy. Every time she moved ahead a single step, she fell back two. It was like the staircase she wanted desperately to climb had been coated with grease.
The life she used to have was impossible to regain. The platform where she once lived was no longer realistic to her. She even stopped looking at it. She felt completely hopeless.
This befuddled me because, being a rational dad, I thought she had made a choice. Surely she didn’t believe she could be involved with these deadly vices and still maintain her old life-style?
But her pain was genuine and her belief that she could not recover was deeply real. She was in the grips of something much bigger than her and she was too weak and tired to fight it any longer. At the ripe old age of 18, my daughter believed she could never escape from ED and his friends. She had lost all hope.
Not All Is Lost
Well, this was only the beginning to the process of “Making Amends”. It was intended to penetrate our protective armor and peek at the deeper, core feelings that, although not obvious, were causing great obstructions to the recovery process.
After we each shared our project and its meaning, our counselor explained that this was a very necessary part of the healing process. All the pain we had recalled and discussed needed to be addressed. The deep wounds had to be treated so they could heal. There was a cross on the property and we chose to take our art projects and lay them at its base. For our family, it was extremely liberating to shed that emotional ball and chain.
That night, in our hotel room, my wife and I contacted our other children and asked that they write letters explaining how they felt during this very difficult past several years. Our sons responded with heartfelt sorrow and maturity. My wife and I had no idea they had such deep seeded concern.
The next day, we reconvened. During our family’s turn of sharing, we sat facing our daughter. We read our sons’ letters. They elicited tears from our daughter and a realization that her brothers loved her unconditionally. She was overwhelmed with that truth. Not all was lost, as she believed.
Now that our fears and pains were exposed, we had to deal with them openly. We had all done things that hurt each other. We gained a clear understanding that ED and the other addictions were controlling not only our daughter’s world, but ours as well.
It was not a private matter. Each family member had been directly impacted and the family unity had been severely disrupted. Our social life was curtailed. Rather than talk about this 500 pound gorilla, we just isolated ourselves. It was time to move forward and leave all the damage behind.
Left to our own devices, my wife and I, and certainly our daughter, would never have gotten to this critical point of recovery. And now that we were here, we had no clue what to do next. Again, the professionals guided us by introducing a great tool. We were taught how to “make amends”.
Making Amends
All the lying, deception, hiding, manipulating, sneaking, keeping of secrets, and other damaging behaviors were exposed and replaced with truth – no matter how ugly or painful. Honesty and trust were the objective moving forward. It was time to begin the arduous process of rebuilding on a healthy foundation grounded in truth and love.
In Dexter’s blog post from April 2, 2009 entitled “I feel…when…because…I need”, he describes a method of communication that can change your entire relationship – not just with your loved one suffering from an ED, but any relationship.
Using a derivation of that model, we began to work through the pain and distrust that slowly, methodically, bit-by-bit eroded our relationship over the years. Here’s how this tool works.
First, you confess a specific behavior that needs forgiveness before healing will take place.
Second, you ask how that behavior made the other person feel. This is restricted to a one-word reply.
Third, you ask what the other person needs from you.
Fourth, you ask, “Will you forgive me?” And you need to use those exact words.
For example, when our children were young, I was caught-up with climbing the corporate ladder. My job caused me to travel almost every week for years. So this is what I said.
I started with, “I want to make amends for not being available to you when you were young.” How did my absence make you feel?
My daughter’s reply: “Neglected.”
I then asked, “What do you need from me?”
My daughter responded with, “Involvement in my life”
I asked, “Will you forgive me?”
She said, “Yes”.
One of my daughter’s amends went like this.
She started with, “I want to make amends for stealing prescription drugs from you.” “How did you feel?”
I responded with, “Betrayed”
She asked, “What do you need from me?”
I said, “Honesty”
She asked, “Will you forgive me?”
I said, “Yes”
I know this sounds really elementary, but I assure you, there is nothing more important in the healing process than to clear out the old skeletons. As I described above, opening that door can be very scary and we tend to avoid it at all costs.
Please realize that as you explore additional recesses of your hidden memories, more hurtful recollections will be exposed. That’s completely normal and healthy.
It is very important that confession continues to keep the air clean and forgiveness destroys the pain of the offense, allowing healing to take place.
The amends needed between my daughter and my wife were different than those between my daughter and me. All three of us had done things to each other that caused relational damage. Not all of them were going to be handled in a day or even a week.
It had to be a continuous change in how we communicated.
We have taken this model and expanded it to be used with other members of our family. A great deal of air has been cleared and we’ve made huge advances toward forging stronger, better, healthier relationships.
Where Are Your Dark Places? Where Are Your Amends?
No doubt, if your loved one has been in the grips of an eating disorder, there are dark places in your mind where you store the hurt, anger, helplessness, rejection, grief, and many other emotions.
Trust me when I say, “The place you’re hiding these sentiments is not infinite. These feelings will seep out and erupt, producing very irrational behavior.”
Healing of all the relationships, and there are many that have been affected, will not take hold, until amends have been made.
Dan DeValk
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Thanks Dan. You’re the best!
Respectfully Submitted -- Dexter Godbey -- Dexter@DadEDs.com
Dexter and Dan, Thank you, thank you for this honest and clear portrayal of the pain that families are enduring while loving someone who is trying to recover from an eating disorder. I was in tears reading Dan’s description of his thoughts during the art project, we felt all of those exact same things, and I am amazed at how a few years later it can still hurt so much to remember those days and nights.
I am re-energized to continue getting my book finished to help families who are living with that horrifying reality. Thank you for that and thank you for the concise description of the making amends exercises. So very helpful for all relationships.
You are both brave and bold fathers who have very lucky daughters to be loved so much.
Becky Henry
http://www.hopenetwork.info
coachbeckyhenry.blogspot.com
Hi Becky.
Thanks very much.
Hope the book is going well. If there’s anything I can do to help out, let me know.
And, if you need another interview from a Dad perspective, I’d be happy to introduce you to Dan. I can’t speak for him as to doing it, but I suspect you could persuade him if it would help you.
Best…
Dexter
Hello Becky,
Thank you for your comments. It sounds like you’re doing a good work with your book. As I was writing this post, I couldn’t help but wonder if the extended impact could have been stemmed by Making Amends a normal part of the relationship. What do you think? If Shame doesn’t get a chance to grow, could it be that “ounce of prevention”? I sincerely hope your family is doing well and enjoying each other. I look forward to reading your book. Dan
Dear Dan and Dexter,
I want to thank you both from the bottom of my heart for this wonderfully honest and insightful piece of writing. I would like to offer my prospective on the impact of ED’s from the male prospective. (in regards to my personal experiences with my 4 year battle with anorexia)
I have been in strong recovery for more than a year and found myself breaking down in tears as I read this brutally honest description of how an ED affects all parties involved—the one suffering, parents, siblings, friends, etc. Much like Dan detailed throughout this post, my ED raged major havoc on my life, my family, and my friends. I suffered at a later age, and was living away from home, but the lies, isolation, and pain were just as destructive. I agree that ED’s manifest into other forms— substance abuse, depression, mood changes, and the list goes on. For me, when my self-starvation wasn’t enough, I resorted to alcohol and that caused many problems for my family and me. I will not go into great detail on the destruction it caused, but it was just like the stories Dan shared from the parents during family week. I found myself agreeing and shaking my head yes the entire way through the post. It brought me back to my stay at Canopy Cove and the things we did to rebuild relationships that were barely hanging on.
The Art Therapy and family sessions hit particularly home with me. I must say treatment for me was a challenge being a male athlete with a huge EGO! I was a successful athlete and I thought I could “fix everything”– as most guys do. However this is not the case with an eating disorder. Nobody can just up and cure an ED, not the one suffering, and not the parents. It’s a team process of making amends, building back trust, and working together to help all involved recover. My therapist once told me, you will recover from your ED, but LIFE is an everyday RECOVERY PROCESS! I couldn’t agree more, and for me, taking one day at a time is working.
After reading this I felt compelled to talk a bit about some of the therapy I encountered in treatment. When speaking on this, I always make sure to remind everyone that all of this was completely out of my element. Equine Therapy, drawing, singing, yoga and meditation is the short list of what I went through. Let’s just say my macho ego went out the window when I went into recovery! Much like Dexter, I read a 0 on the emotional and feelings scale. However, recovery is all about emotion, openness and FEELINGS. While in treatment, I did lots of Art Therapy which I grew to love. (note I have all my art work on my wall as inspiration and motivation) We had to illustrate are ED’s in many forms with pictures and words. Mine was a monster with words such as; hate, alcohol, fiancée, shame, ego, failure, loss, etc. We were taught to see are ED’s as a completely different person and this was passed onto the family sessions. Its key for parents struggling with a family member in the chains of an ED to realize this– example- There was Patty which was my sparking self without my ED, and then there was this terrible monster, “Grillo” which was the name of my ED personality. You can’t blame the person suffering and you can’t blame yourselves. This is not your FAULT!
The best thing I did in treatment was making amends with myself and my family members. For me, this was by writing a letter to each family member and coming clean with everything. This was so painful but so freeing! On the last day of treatment, we all took are pictures of are ED’s outside and posted them to a tree. We then took water balloons and blasted the ED’s(and an occasional therapist) We then proceeded to take them down and burn them– talk about empowering!
Not trying to write a book, I just wanted to share my insight and gratitude for this elegant post. I applaud both Dan and Dexter for their amazing hearts and support for their daughters. On a final not, part of my amends was moving back to be around my family. For 4-years I isolated, and was completely self-absorbed. For me, this was something I had to do. I had drifted from my parents, missed out on my sister playing college lacrosse, and was an ED MESS during my brother’s wedding. I have spent the past year making up for lost time and it’s been a beautiful journey– not a perfect one, but a life without an ED! I am now closer than ever with my Dad, mother, brother, and sister. My Dad and I have always butted heads but the amends process has created an entire new relationship for the both of us. Again, this was a wonderful post and right on point. This is an amazing resource for families! Keeping writing and keep BELIEVING!
Thank You,
Patrick Bergstrom
I Chose To Live
Patrick…
I cannot even begin to tell you how much your comment means to me. I’ve shared your story and will also make sure my Anorexic daughter reads this. She told me when she first read your story how close she felt to you and how much in common underly your stories of battling ED.
You are an amazing young man. I applaud you for all you have been through and survived and for all you are doing and for the HOPE you instill in others.
Please keep it up.
And, don’t forget, tennis when we meet.
All The Best…
Dexter
Patrick,
Your response is overwhelming. Recently, in the news, the word “empathy” has been tossed around a lot. It’s only served to dilute the true meaning the same way “awesome” has been trivialized. You, in your comments, demonstrate honest empathy. You understand from an incredibly unique perspective. You’ve gone through this seemingly impossible experience and came out the other side able to describe it in “male-speak”. I admire your strength and respect your point of view. Your comments humble me and make me realize how much I have to learn about this life-sucking disorder. A very large, heart-felt thank you. Dan
Dan and Dexter–
Thank you for your kind words and I am always here to try an add a bit of insight to this very complicated illness. First let me say to both of you, I am cheering you and your daughters on and you will come out on top. You both are very involved and concerned fathers– true role models and examples of how fathers can be a wonderful resource to a daughters recovery.
Much like you guys, I was seemingly clueless to everything about eating disorders. I should be been in treatment in early 2006, but people told me over and over (as well as myself) “guys don’t get eating disorders.” Wow! I was also led to beleive that eating disorders were a life-style and a choice…HELLO WORLD, EDs don’t discriminate and by no means is it a CHOICE!!!!
For me, I feel my struggles have helped me to better understand life, feelings, women, EDs and the empathy and compassion. While in treatment, being around other females and hearing there horrifying stories and see the hope in there eyes– empowered and fueled my recovery. As guys, sometimes we have to try and see it through there eyes and thats how I faced my recovery. I was never open about anything– now I am openly sharing my pain, story, and hope with the world. My success in recovery is because I surrounded myself with winners (mostly strong women in the ED field) I reached out all over because at first, I had no idea what I was doing. This is what I see you both doing. You guys are reaching out, adapting, and are willing to listen and learn. Wow, if I would have had it my way. I would have used my athletic ego and tried to fight this battle all on my own. So glad I chose to just simply ask for help. I am not at expert, but I am willing to learn and grow. Were guys; we love sports, working hard, and well most times we lack patients. However, patients in recovery can be a powerful tool in recovery. There will be wonderful days, and there will be dark days, but you will get through them. TOGETHER is what makes recovery happen!
Again, I am so proud of both you and have know doubt you can and will make it through this! Don’t be afraid to make mistakes, as these mistakes will build a better tomorrow. Oh, and I read a book called Failing Forward while in treatment..Great read for you and your daughters. Its not about eating disorders but its about learning to fail and turn it into success! Enjoy your day guys and keep up the great work! This is a huge resource that stand to help so many Dads!
All the Best,
Patrick
ps- feel free to email me your addresses and I can mail you guys some I Chose To Live Bracelets (I rock mine everywhere and it keeps me quite motivated) Reminds me what I am living and fighting for…
Oh and feel free to spread the word– all the proceeds from the bracelets go directly to The Manna Scholarship Fund, which helps those who can’t afford the treatment they need. http://www.mannafund.org
Best,
Patrick
patrickb@ichosetolive.com
Hi, Congratulations to the site owner for this marvelous work you’ve done. It has lots of useful and interesting data.
hi,
i am delayed in responding
I am currently in domestic violence training. One of the key points is making sure we try not to use gender specific language - and after reading patrick’s response, I just wanted to say how much gender exclusivity affects treatments for people in all suffering/struggles.
Ok - back on topic
In my domestic violence training we did a very simple exercise, we separated into 3 groups, the “family”, the “friend”, and the significant other. We had basically define these relationships: ie:
- what do you do with ______
- How would describe your feelings about _______
- What role do they have in your life
- how do you express your feelings to them
It was very clear the top three showed a SPLIT - that family was not chosen, a private part, and that friends and significant others are their life - their SOCIAL part. Determining how they relate, who they listen to, how they may be different between the groups, how they test out who they are, etc.
The ONE common thing between the groups was the last part: how do you express your feelings to them. I was absolutely amazed that it is INDIRECT communication. Whether we get moody, talk behind others backs, act out, self harm, use facebook, twitter, etc. we do not communicate directly with anyone. Maybe this is different with best friend scenarios - often they are the first ones to know something is wrong, but still…..this absolute breakdown - actually i dont know if we can even call it a breakdown if it has not been created in the beginning.
This response is to both of your blog posts. I have to applaud to your bringing up a KEY part of what recovery and potential prevention looks like. We cannot get trapped in the whys, the causes, the blame. The more we blame, the more negative, and lost our message is. We need to focus on what prevention and recovery looks like.
Communication is crucial to BOTH. As for prevention - of course we cant measure this-there are times when everything could be healthy, balanced, and yes we still develop an ED. But this doesnt mean we should try! Try to talk self esteem, stop judging feelings, letting people talk and actually listen. Like you both have said - there is a difference between listening and active listening, and talking with versus talking to.
I hope to focus on recovery….In my own pursuit of degrees, furthering my education to help people struggling, and help in recovery - i hope to write a book on recovery - what it looks like, what it feels like, the myths that it is a perfect straight road. forget all the stupid rules, we are human, have good days and bad, and want to pull our hair out and others laugh all day. this is normal, being perfect is not.
i am so glad you both talk about how to LEARN and CREATE communication. When you say it seems simple to say the i feel, when you, talk or going through the amends process (i too was involved with AA when i got out of treatment) - this may seem very simple - BUT we never learned it, we dont know how to do it. So in recovery it often is the simplest, the connection that matters most. I know i cried hard when i heard finally from my dad that he actually “saw” me as having an eating disorder and how it was my main issue - that the alcohol was all he could see.
to get people to talk, openly, and slowly at first is a key art of recovery. simple, and structured.
I want to applaud you both for being very honest, real, and powerful voices in this community. We need more people to talk the talk in recovery. I feel we often get trapped in the whys, and blaming, and i feel the more i focus on recovery, the more i try to help, and understand the process, the better and stronger my own recovery remains.
we are people - we are creations. so why not create - communication, relationships, etc
so thank you for being honest. and letting me ramble on and on in this post. i dont write these days very often. once being told of the therapists role and private stuff kept private ive battled back and forth. but i kinda am at the point where i say forget the rules, i am going to find my own path, and my own way to help all people struggling, and FIGHTING towards and in recovery.
we are survivors.
Kendra
Hi Kendra.
Was wondering where you’ve been. I hope everything is going well in your world.
I really appreciate you taking the time to express your views on this post and on EDs and recovery in general. Dan and I are, in a sense “outsiders” although in another way, suffering with our daughters, we’re also “insiders.” But not insiders like you and our daughters. And we hope to learn so much from you insiders, so thanks for the itneraction and insight.
I’m so very glad that you’re dad finally “saw” you as having your ED. I trust that was a good breakthrough and wonder how your relationship with him has developed since then?
And thank you, too, for being open and honest and spreading the word about Eating Disorders. United, we will have an impact.
Best…
Dexter
Thank you so much Dex and Dan for sharing your feelings and emotions about EDS. I realize how hard that is for you both. Your dedication in helping others and their families suffering with EDS is beyond honorable and commendable . I had to deal with my daughter’s eating disorder alone. It was the most horrific experience I have ever experienced. I felt so helpless and alone. I totallly blamed myself for the suffering I witnessed ,on a daily basis with my daughters
EDS. The nightmare of dealing with this disease daily cannot be discribed in words. Because of both of you, parents who live with children with EDS will no longer feel alone. I am so grateful and proud of both of you for dedicating yourselves to helping others in understanding this disease.
Stephanie Godbey
Hello Stephanie.
What a pleasant surprise to hear from you here of all places.
Thanks for your kind words and expressing some of your personal helplessness, pain, and anguish here, too.
Since I tell my tales and relate my experiences from a Dad’s perspective, I invite you to post a blogs from a Mom’s perspective any time you feel like it.
That’s why we’re here. To share and in the sharing support and learn from each other. I’ve “met” many, many amazing people here and on Twitter. All with a common goal - spread ED awareness and the message of hope.
Please feel free to participate and contribute.
See you soon, no doubt.
DWG
Dear Kendra, thank you for your honesty, transparency, and wisdom. One thing I have seen in the ED community is incredibly intelligent, intuitive people who have so very much to offer an otherwise wounded society. Your response, when talking about your dad, touched my heart. I understand from his perspective and you communicated your personal point of view so eloquently. I read somewhere that “the greatest contributor to communication is shared experience.” Naturally, it’s impossible for us to go through recovery with you minute-by-minute, but your communication allows us a glimpse into the process. You are allowing us to share in your recovery. Please keep talking. Many thanks. Dan
Stephanie,
I love you in my heart. Your passion is admirable. You’re a great mom and you got blind-sided by a tsunami. I applaud you for still standing. Karen and I left our guilt and fear on the zip line platform and we never went back to retrieve it. Your daughters are incredible people. Your support network has exploded globally. This blog and many like it will remind you that you are not alone. Not anymore. Dex has created quite a forum. As you well know, ED affects many more than just the one who has it. Everyone’s perspective is desired here. Love to you and the girls. Dan
It is interesting. Tell to me, please - where I can find more information on this question?
A great first place to start is with NEDA (National Eating Disorder Association). Their website is packed with valuable information.
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/
Keep reading my blogs, too. I try to provide honest and practical information.
Best…
Dexter
Hi,
I think it would be good for you to read the blog “dying to be thin” (Just search on google)
It is written by a young woman suffering with anorexia, and as you say you want to understand this disorder as much as you possibly can this may give you a good insight.
Just don’t let your daughter find it, it can be very triggering which I found out from previous experience.
I wish you and your family all the best, you sound like an amazing father. Just keep moving forward, I know at time is seems like an impossible journey, but from a former anorexic to you, I am telling you that there is light at the end of the tunnel