Dads And Daughters With Eating Disorders

 

Oh, how Americans - and we dads with daughters with Eating Disorders in particular - love to find someone or something else to blame when things don’t go the way we want them to. 

 

Or when we screw up. 

 

Here’s how absurd it can get.

 

The Twinkie Defense

 

Perhaps you’ve heard of the “Twinkie Defense.” 

 

In a 1979 murder trial in California psychiatrists for the Defendant, Dan White, testified that he was so depressed at the time of the crime that he was legally incapable of premeditation.  So it was manslaughter, not murder.

 

They pointed to evidence of his depression including that although he was previously a fitness fanatic and health food advocate, he was now eating junk food and drinking drinks loaded with sugar. 

 

It was suggested that sugary foods could worsen his mood swings and inferred that sugary foods = depression/mood swings = killing Mayor George Moscone and Supervisor Harvey Milk of San Francisco. 

 

No question he killed them.  That was clear.

 

Nevertheless the jury let him off the 1st degree murder charge because of “diminished capacity for premeditation” and instead convicted him only of voluntary manslaughter.

 

The community was outraged.  Riots ensued.

 

Twinkies were never actually mentioned in the trial, but some creative reporter coined the phrase “Twinkie Defense.”   

 

Now, 30 years later, the Twinkie Defense still connotes passing the buck… denying responsibility for your actions by looking for someone else or something else to blame…no matter how ridiculous.

 

The Perfect Daughter

 

Each of my two daughters was, to me, “the perfect daughter.”  They got in little trouble growing up.  They were polite and respectful.  Social.  Everyone liked them.  They were fun to be with and enjoyed life.  They had fabulous groups of friends.  Both are major athletes. They went to college and both earned Masters Degrees. 

 

They were storybook kids, teens, and young adults.

 

So when I first realized and admitted to myself that my younger daughter was Anorexic, my first reaction was to find the Twinkie Defense. 

 

What or who should I blame.  It can’t be her and it can’t be me…

 

Maybe it was the Twinkies I let her eat in her childhood.

 

I’ve discovered that many dads with daughters with Eating Disorders have the same initial reaction. 

 

I like to fix things.  To solve problems.  Other dads are like that, too.

 

To fix something I need to get to the bottom of the problem…understand the causes and reasons for it.  Then I can formulate and implement a corrective plan. 

 

That’s why my first thought once I actually accepted that my precious daughter had an Eating Disorder was to figure out who or what was to blame.  Who or what caused it?  It’s the first logical step to figuring out how to fix it. 

 

Reality

 

Last December just before Christmas my daughter’s Eating Disorder had become so serious that her doctor told her and the family that she would die (not might die…would die) if she didn’t get into immediate in-patient treatment for her Anorexia. 

 

After 3 ½ months of treatment at Remuda Ranch, she’s now back home and in the early stages of her recovery. 

 

Here’s some of what you might dream up or find if you are looking for Eating Disorder Twinkie Defenses, i.e., causes and blames for Eating Disorders.

 

There is evidence that there is probably a genetic link. 

 

There’s a strong media influence.  Paper thin models.  And if they aren’t thin enough they get Photoshopped into appearing impossibly lean and outrageously gorgeous (by whose standards, I can’t help wonder, but that’s a discussion for another day).

 

Then there’s the $40 million per year diet industry, advertising with obnoxious constancy, fueling the fires of our fantasies for finding the “perfect size” (or weight or however you might think of it).  I don’t know about you, but at this time of year I’m sooooooo sick of hearing and seeing the “Bikini Body” and “Get Ready for Summer” dieting ads.

 

Some want Mattel to share the blame for creating the Barbie Doll with impossible female proportions.

 

The list goes on and on and on.  Twinkies of all sizes, shapes, and colors.  Someone or something else to blame.

 

Since my daughter’s brush with Death by Anorexia, I’ve become dedicated to learning everything I can about Eating Disorders both for her sake and also in the hope of helping others prevent and effectively deal with EDs.

 

I’m far from an expert.  But, unfortunately, I have considerable on the job training.

 

Here’s a tidbit I can share with absolute confidence. 

 

There is no single cause for anyone’s Eating Disorder. 

 

At the same time, some or, perhaps all of the factors I mentioned before may contribute to or influence the development of Eating Disorders.

 

Eating Disorders are complex and very complicated. 

 

Just as there is no single cause or blame, there is also no single magic cure either.

 

No one has the answers yet.  It’s individualized…what affects one person has no influence on another.   That holds true when looking at both causes and cures.

 

A Few Ideas  

 

Since any or all of the above factors (plus hundreds of others) can contribute to your daughter (or son) developing an eating Disorder, are they our Twinkie Defense? 

 

Can we abdicate our parental responsibility and just blame them? 

 

Not in my view.

 

Not that we’re to blame, either.  None of us should feel even an ounce of guilt.  I don’t.

 

But we do have influence with our children whether little kids or grown up adults. 

 

So what can you, as a caring dad (or mom), actually do? 

 

Well, let’s see…hmmmm…you could lock your daughter in her room and protect her from all of those Twinkies….I mean influences.

 

Rather impractical.

 

You could write letters to the media and ask them to stop using skinny models to sell their publications and the products their advertisers are hawking.  But they won’t change until the majority of people stop buying their publications.  Letters are great, but they don’t have nearly the influence profits do. 

 

You might campaign to have the diet industry quit advertising so much or just go away.  Maybe if you’d pay them their $40 million per year – and growing – they’d consider it.  But until you’re willing to do that, they won’t.

 

Maybe Mattel will discontinue Barbie or change her proportions and features to look like an average American woman.  Actually, I’m sure they would do that if you could convince them that the Average Barbie would make them a bazillion more dollars a year than the current Barbie does.  Not likely. 

 

Drop The Twinkie Defense

 

I have a different idea. 

 

Toss out the Twinkie Defense.  Quit blaming the media, diet industry, Barbie, and anyone/anything else.  Sure, we still want to work to get all third parties with influence to be aware of Eating Disorders and become responsible respecting them. 

 

But, unfortunately, I, for one, acknowledge that I will be dead before that actually happens. 

 

So here’s my suggestion as a practical, “fix it,” thinking dad.  Something you can do right now and get instant and long term results. 

 

Gather your family at the dining room table and talk. 

 

What?  Talk?

 

Yep.

 

Do not talk to them.  Do not talk at them.  Do not lecture.  Do not judge.  Do not criticize.

 

Talk with your daughters and sons.  Actually communicate using a magic concept called dialogue.

 

Dialogue means an exchange of ideas, thoughts, opinions, feelings, and emotions on any and every subject imaginable. 

 

Notice I said “exchange.”

 

Dialogue is about communicating freely and openly.  Give and take. 

 

Your role as dad in this dialogue starts and ends with listening and being interested without judgment or criticism in any feelings your daughter might express.

 

I suggest you do this at dinner time around the family dinner table. 

 

Dinner Table Dialogue.

 

This is not the time to be disciplinarian or Grand Master of Life Lessons.  That is still your job, too, dads.  You still have to do that.  But try not to do it during your Dinner Table Dialogues.

 

As soon as your children can talk, start doing this with them so they always feel like they can tell you how the feel about things without you criticizing them or “correcting” them for how they feel. 

 

Discipline them for their behaviors if and when you must. 

 

But not for their feelings.

 

There’s a difference. 

 

When they’re old enough, be innovative and creative.  Bring a grocery store tabloid to the table and ask them how they feel about the cover with the headline and pictures of “The Sexiest Summer Bodies.”  (I actually saw that one yesterday.)

 

Talk about it.  Listen.  See if they’re developing body image issues.  Self confidence issues.  Self esteem issues.  These are keys in the development of Eating Disorders.

 

Listen not in judgment…in love. 

 

Find out how they feel about “Bikini Bodies” and their body.  And yours, for that matter. 

 

Open the door to any subject.  It is your absolute responsibility to teach your daughters how to deal emotionally with the media, diet industry, Barbie, their friends, their enemies, the world.

 

And oh, yeah, teach them how to deal with themselves.  Love themselves.  Be comfortable and confident with their bodies and emotions.

 

If your daughter comes home from kindergarten or college or anything in between upset because some jackass said she was fat or called her lard butt, please avoid doing what I probably did when my daughters were growing up.  Most likely I would have said something like, “Who cares?  She’s an idiot, her mom’s as fat as cow so she’s probably just jealous, and besides, sticks and stones…”

 

None of that will matter to her.  She doesn’t want you to discount her feelings or tell her she’s wrong to feel hurt.    

 

She just wants you to validate her and her emotions.  She wants to know you care about how she feels.  To tell her you know she’s upset and you care and you’re sorry.  To ask her what you can do to help make her feel better.  To comfort her.    

 

If you discount her feelings about anything or criticize her for having the feelings she feels (even if you think they’re dumb), you’re asking for her to stop sharing those feelings with you.  You will shut her down.

 

Bottling up negative feelings, I guarantee, can eventually lead to Eating Order Disaster.

 

In My Case

 

Did I do all this right?

 

Not even close.  I rarely, if ever I think, talked to my daughters about their feelings.  At least I can’t remember doing so.  Grades, yes.  Activities, yes.  Sports, yes.  What they did during the day, yes.  Boyfriends, yes (superficially). 

 

Feelings, no.  Emotions, no.  Mental health, no.  Self esteem, no.  Self confidence, no.  Body image, no (never thought about it and didn’t even know it was a subject to talk about).  Perfectionism, no.

 

Did I give them a sympathetic, understanding, caring ear?  About behaviors yes.  About feelings and emotions, no.

 

And so, am I my daughter’s Twinkie Defense?  Can she blame me for her Anorexia? 

 

No.

 

But I could have done it better, that’s for sure.

 

Through simple, honest dialogue about the media and the preposterous models they use.  By dialoguing about the absurdity of scam and fad dieting for all the wrong reasons.  About Barbie.  For gosh sakes, it you’re not going to teach your daughter that Barbie is NOT REAL, I don’t think you’re in a very strong position to pass the buck to Mattel.  It’s not their fault if you didn’t teach your daughter the difference between a dool and the real world.  That’s on you. 

 

Mattel makes dolls. 

 

You make daughters. 

 

Did I do my dading job perfectly?  Nope. 

 

Did I do it well?  In retrospect, not nearly as well as I could have.  Not nearly as well as I would have liked. 

 

And although I will not and encourage you not to use the Twinkie Defense and look all over for the blame, don’t blame yourself either. 

 

Even if I would have been the best and most perfect dad in the history of the Universe, that, alone, does not mean my daughter would have or could have avoided her Eating Disorder.  There’s more to it than that.  Much more.

 

Doing The Best We Can

 

But that doesn’t excuse us dads from being and doing the best we can.

 

After the fact I can tell you this.  My daughter’s recovery is going to be directly related to her strength and her will because she has now learned to better express and deal with her most difficult emotions and feelings about herself and her world (things that I didn’t help her with much, I’m afraid, as she was growing up.).  She, not me, the media, or anyone else is going to do it.  She is.

 

Not alone.  She’ll do it with the support of our whole family, a strong treatment team, good healthy food, her friends, and me standing on the sidelines cheering her on and being available to give her a hand up when she stumbles and if she falls. 

 

Fellow dads, let’s not spend our energies looking for a Twinkie Defense for ourselves or our daughters.  It’s counter productive to blame the media, the diet business, Barbie, your wife (or husband), your daughter’s friends, society, or yourself. 

 

Instead, simply start your own Dinner Table Dialogues. 

 

Become an emotional outlet for your daughters.  It is your job, not the media’s, not the diet industry’s, and not the toy company’s to help her develop the self confidence and self esteem and healthy body image necessary to resist them and the incessant messages the propagate. 

 

It’s not the school’s job, the government’s job, or her doctor’s job, either.

 

It’s your job.  No Twinkie Defense for us dads.  Let’s step up.

 

A good place to start is at your own Dinner Table. 

 

It’s powerful place.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This entry was posted on Monday, June 8th, 2009 at 6:37 am and is filed under Eating Order Awareness. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.